I break for BONO.

Well, It's spring break.

sigh.

A week off from classes may save me from an emotional breakdown.
Time will be the tell on that one.
I'm so tired of writing about college like it's the only thing going on in my life.
Because it isn't.

The other day, I listened to Rattle and Hum in the car.
Every time I listen to that record, it ignites something in me.
A brief back story, Rattle and Hum was not only a record, it was documentary movie
about U2 that came out in the late 80's.
I remember it being my first real exposure to BONO and the boys and I was, to say the least, spellbound.
Around that same time, my older brother started driving us siblings to school.
He was and insane driver and an avid U2 fan.
Everyday it was the same, U2.
The Joshua Tree, Rattle and Hum, The Unforgettable Fire.
I remember having those songs in my head (and heart) all the time.
We weren't allowed to talk in the car; if we did, he'd only turn the music up louder.
So I just listened; while holding on for dear life.
The early records were kind of angry, war protesting, anti-poverty.
Bono used his platform to expose injustices, corruption, and to speak up for equal rights.
And even at the ripe-old-age of 14, I got it.
I got BONO.

Fast forward a few decades and when I listen to those records, especially Rattle and Hum, I remember who I really am. You know, deep down inside.
I'm a fighter. I'm an advocate. And I believe in love.

The thing about getting older is that we change.
Different experiances shape us and we alter ourselves.
Sometimes in good ways, sometimes in not so good ways.
One thing I've realized lately is I've turned into a wuss.
You see, all my life, people told me they didn't know how to take me.
People thought I was intimidating and too honest.
So I changed.
But in my attempt to soften the edges, I lost something important.
A lost a little too much of my fight.
And now I need it back because I really don't believe in myself at all.
I find myself asking for permission to be me.
I find myself cowering when I should take the lead.
And you know what?  I'm done with that.

I have Rattle and Hum to thank for my internal revival.
I'm not saying I won't backslide and ever question myself again.
But when I hear BONO doing what he does best, it brings out the fighter in me.
His gift is to melt defenses while simultaneously getting his point across.
He has this list of what's important to him, and he just fights for it.
And he doesn't apologize because he doesn't need to.

I think to myself, I can do that, too.
I can raise my kids,
And love my husband.
And work 30 hours a week.
And go to class.
And be grumpy sometimes.
And clean my house.
And do my homework.
And laugh with my friends.
And be unorganized.
And stand up for what is right.
And make a difference.

Same song, different lyrics.
Im writing my own story, BONO style.

I've been wanting to sit and write for so long now. Maybe get a nice iced coffee and sit on the front stoop with my laptop.
The problem is, my studies have basically catapulted me into mad-scientist status. I walk around with anatomy terms and algebraic formulas swirling in my head, and it hasn't left room for much else.
I miss writing though, I miss free time.

Today, I was clearing a desk of miscellaneous papers when I saw my 20 year reunion invitation laying there. I have no plans to attend, just so we're clear on that.
But 20 years? Time goes so quickly, and slowly at the same time.

I'm not going to lie, I've thought of quitting school.
I just can't quit, though.
If I do by best and fail, that'll be different.
All I have to give is my best.
If I end up succeeding, I'll be more surprised than anyone (In a good way.)

But like I always say, there's only one to find out, and it's to proceed.