merry, merry.

It's Christmas eve, and I'm have a BBQ lunch with the family. On the way here, Carlos secretly mouthed words "just let them open one gift tonight." There's no way there opening a gift tonight- now that they're older the gifts are fewer yet way higher in cost. I know it's not about gifts, but I want them to feel like they got enough. I want the unwrapping experience to last for more than two minutes. I want their Christmas to be magic.

We're staying home this year for the first time in forever. It's bittersweet- I love the downtime, but I miss my family. I'm just trying to breathe and rest, because it's going to be awhile before I have a week off again.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

taking it. and leaving it.

So, my 36th birthday is Sunday and this one is hitting me kinda hard. I know I'm not old- but I'm not that young anymore either. Being officially beyond my mid 30's is slightly depressing...especially because I haven't met
several goals that I set a long, long time ago. But way more importantly than that, there are many things that just keep getting better and better. I definitely enjoy the confidence that comes with age- I kinda like knowing who I am. As much as I miss having little kids, I LOVE having older kids that are extremely self sufficient...and a having a teenager/insta-sitter is just swirly pink icing on the cupcake. I love running to the store by myself, or having an impromptu frozen yogurt date with Carlos. I'm okay with the fact that I don't have a ton of friends, I'd just rather have a few really good ones. There's finally no more obsessing about people who have more stuff than me- like bigger houses, better cars, cuter clothes. At the end of the day, I wouldn't want anybody else's life. I don't want what isn't mine.

I was talking to a younger mom tonight about my being anti-social...I think she thought I was apologizing- I wasn't, at all. I'd chose to hang out with my family over most any social event...It's just who I am. Take it or leave it.

I think that's what being thirty-something is all about...being able to say "take it or leave it" and really meaning it.

So, although smile lines, and the onset of hot flashes is by far not my favorite...I'm just gonna take it- theres not a lot I can do about it. But what I can do is keep learning and reaching out. I'm going to enjoy being me. And if all goes as planned, I'm going to be a nurse by the time I'm 40.

Here goes nothing.





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the one where I tell you that I miss Alabama

I really haven't wanted to exhaust myself by writing this post. I wanted to stay in the honeymoon faze of being home forever. I didn't want to acknowledge that life in a big city is about a thousand times harder. I wanted to just skip over the part where my heart sinks when I drop my kids off every morning and then drive 30 minutes to work...not 5 minutes, thirty minutes. And when our older cars begin to revolt against all the commuting- I may have had a few "final straw" moments. But I try and get over it quickly- because there really isn't an available option to give up.

I knew it, I knew what we were doing. I knew enough to savor every minute of sweet little Huntsville- especially the fall colors...especially everything being 5 minutes away. We are home now, and I although I am still exhausted from the transition- my heart feels whole again- and that's the best feeling in the world. That doesn't mean that I don't miss my old life there- because I do. A lot of things never clicked for me there, but one thing sure did, and that was my job at Starbucks. My partners became as close as family, and I miss them so terribly much. I've never laughed so hard in my life than I did in that place- with those people. I probably met the peek of all frustration there as well... but It all went together and created a very fulfilling and important time of my life.

I hate to give Starbucks more credit that it's due because I think it's already a pretty ego-inflated company, but it turns out that life really does happen over coffee. You give somebody something delicious, and you take a little time to connect, and some strange magic happens. I feel so blessed to have met my Starbucks friends- they were a part of a season that was both the sweetest and the hardest time of my life. It isn't a stretch to say that they saved me, not only from the grasp of depression, but from my narrow view of the world. I'll never be the same person again because of them- and that happens to be the best part about my time Huntsville.

I miss the foothills.
I miss little Rosie's.
I miss my friends.
I miss the fall colors.
I miss the cooler weather and lower humidity.
I miss my kid's school.

So there you have it. I miss Alabama.




--
Holly Duke Torres



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

king with a crown

So, I was putting groceries in the trunk of my car, when I noticed a small piece of green paper. It got my attention because it had the imprint of a crown and looked like something that was sent home from school.

In a tiny, impossibly squiggly font it read...

In P.E. class your child was chosen as king for the noblesse oblige behavior choices he makes. Noblesse oblige is a French phrase that means 'noble obligation'. True royalty makes honorable, generous and responsible choices. The classroom teacher was consulted that the student exhibits noble manners during the entire school day. It is a joy teaching your child.

Right then and there came the tears. It was like all the bottled up feelings of sadness, anxiety and guilt over my kids starting over, just kinda made their way to being a big lump in my throat.
I hate that feeling of stinging tears shouting "let me out, who cares about dignity anymore?!?!"
I almost couldn't believe what I was reading- his teacher had just pronounced a blessing over him, and any other child that she gave this to.
"true royalty"
"it's a joy to teach your child"
What wonderful things to say in a world that almost never feels uplifting.

I just can't get over the sweetness of God doing something just for me. Matthew doesn't really care about a piece of green paper, I'm sure a lot of parents threw it away without even reading it. But for me, it felt like a treasure- buried under the contents of my trunk.

I pray everyday for my kids to feel appreciated and that they belong. What a nice little reminder that God hears my prayers.

thirteen.

So, if being scared to death about sending the boys to new schools (that you could literally park their old school in a tiny corner of the new ones- and yes, they go to separate schools because of over crowding) wasn't emotionally taxing enough- Alexandria is turning thirteen on Monday.

Thirteen.

I feel like she should be turning 27... I feel like she just turned 8. That's how loose my grasp of time is with her. She's been here forever- she just got here... it's both, all at once.

Alexandria Abigail.

She's an old soul.
She's insightful.
She's hilarious.
She's cranky.
She's smart.
She's beautiful.
She's addicted to carbs.
She's fiercely creative.
She's a realist.
She's a dancer.
She's Carlos.
She's me.

She's thirteen.

Being a mom.

So, last week- Alexandria went off to youth group camp. It was at the beach, in the gulf- 6 hours away. She stayed in a villa, went shopping, drank coffee, made friends, burnt her hand with a flat iron, went to the pool, cooked pizzas in the oven, laughed, cried, danced, prayed- all of this without me. All of this while I was at home missing her. I was really worried about her the whole time... but she loved it. She said she never wanted to leave.

I was pretty much an emotional wreck last week. It's just that everybody is growing up so fast, and time is getting away from me. I'm nervous about the kids going to new schools. I'm nervous about Alexandria turning into a teenager this month. I'm nervous about everything when it comes to my kids.

It's hard being a mom- not just because it's so much work, not just because it's total sacrifice...but because there is so much to think and worry about. There are a million things to worry about.

To me- the driving force of motherhood is love, and this love is put to action by an instinctual fear of something happening to your child.
It's the heights of all emotion-
Happiness.
Sadness.
Fear.
Relief.
Pride.
Embarrassment.
All of it,
everything,
and so much more...

That's being a mom.

a return to her shores...

i love this

crossing bridges.

Something I really missed during my time in Alabama were all the beautiful bridges in Jacksonville. I missed water in general...who am I kidding- I missed everything. So, I've been taking it all in, and as I become reacquainted with the landscape of my beautiful homeland, I've been completely overwhelmed with a feeling of thankfulness.

This bridge (the dames point) takes us to the zoo, aunt Kim's house, and the airport. There is something so majestic about going over a huge bridge (and something incredibly scary about going over little ones.) When I'm not the one driving, I just gaze off to where the sky and the water meet- way off in the farthest reaches. As I gaze, my inner eagle imagines flying right out of the car window and swooping over the glassy water- doing a few air spins on my way down. Sometimes, I see dolphins doing flips, and I remember the girl who felt like a fish out of water for 6 years. Seriously, it's only been a month and I almost cant remember feeling that way.

Dear God,

Thank you for bringing me home...

Soldier of love.

After 19 days of being home, I feel just the same as I did when I crossed the state line...
I feel alive.
Although, I can't seem to completely find my bearings while recovering from the move- I'm trying to just flow with it. I'm trying to give up on controling everything, and just enjoy life... I think I probably deserve that.
Our new found abundance of time with family and friends has come with challenges, but, for the most part, I feel l feel like I'm living the dream.
I've found that the more living you do- the more messes you have to clean. For example, the more you swim, the more soured towels you find behind the bathroom door. The more kids you have running around, the more bandaids you need. The more time you spend laughing with friends, is less time that you're watching the puppy, and it poops in your bathroom, and a guest see's before you do, and you absolutley want to die. The more you see family, the more you have to say goodbye, and that part is never fun.

I can't hide from these things- it's real life. It's being vunerable. It's being a family. Sometimes, a family finds itself redefining roles, and taking on new shapes- but I get the feeling that we're strong enough.

Today, I felt like I sent my brother off to be a soldier- I witnessed a kind of deployment. He'll travel far, but he'll return...and my door will be open. He's a soldier of love- and I'm proud of him. It's a been a tough time for us Duke's, but we're finding our way- you can't deny the power of love.

Life is messy- but it sure is beautiful. Blood, poop, and tears- life is just so beautiful.

A thousand miles later.

It wasn't easy...
but it was worth it...

Home.

the bottom line.

So, I haven't written in forever.
Truth is, I haven't known where to begin. There's so much that has been happening, leaving me with swirling thoughts- and a deep awareness of my inability to convey them.

I want to just spill it.
Rent a billboard.
Make it be fair.
Shake somebody by the shoulders.
Change the past.
Write a book.
Alas, It's not my story to tell.

Except, it is my story...
because family is family,
and when one of us goes down- we all go down.

I never knew a heart could break so many times over. Everytime, I'm shocked at my ability recover.
And honestly, my savior complex took a crushing blow when I realized that I'm never going say the perfect thing to make it better. I'm never going witness a "lightbulb moment" for sobody who doesn't want one.

Everybody makes mistakes. We do what we can to fix them, and hope for forgiveness.
Sometimes there's deeper issues. Some people just don't know how to love. Some people had it bad I guess, and they're damaged beyond repair- so they hurt people beyond repair.

Certain scenes from this life may play out like a bad movie. And you find yourself watching the replay when you can't sleep at night. It's just always running in the back of your mind. You want to throw something at the screen during the part where you play the fool. You want to cover your eyes when somebody is about to get hurt- but you can't. It's real life. And all we can really do is try our best.

Bottom line- certain things are horrible, but if you come out of it with deeper love for your family- hate can't win. Hurt can't win. Loss can't win. Love will win.

Love always wins.

So...

this year has been horrible.

this year has been wonderful.



that's all.

home

Home is calling.

She's such a vision in the spring-

the backdrop to every wandering dream.

She contains each glimpse of the slide show in my mind.

*click*

tiny toes in the grass.

*click*

little cheeks all rosy from play.

*click*

first wobbly steps, making his way back to me.

I am mother to the core.

I am a temple.

Home is calling.

Oh how we've changed.

How the years have left their mark-

in lines and colors.

I want to hold on-

I want to stop time in it's speeding tracks.

But everybody is growing.

And changing.

Like little birds-

they're reaching for the sky-

they've got that look in their eye.

One day they'll fly away.

Home is calling.

Though we may not be the same- surely she'll take us back.

Like traders, we'll beg and barter.

No price too great-

I've just got to belong again.

Home is calling.

I can smell the salty air.

I will return to her shores-

and whisper all my secrets there.

I am a descendant of greatness.

I am a lady of the sea.

Home is calling,

and I will answer...

I'm going to find my way back-

I swear.

I'm already gone.

I'm almost there.

Home.

and so it goes.

Every few months, I look Carlos straight in the eye and I tell him that I either need a puppy or a baby. He always says no to both. That was until last Friday. I called about an ad for a 6 week old chihuahua puppy- an hour later, she was ours.
She's technically Alexandria's puppy, but she requires a little more care than a 12yr. old can really endure- all though all the kids are helping out tremendously. Her name is Chica, and I am in love.
Having something so little and helpless to mother is extremely satisfying to me. It's what I love best in the whole world.

Visit here for Alexandria's thoughts on her new bff.

I'm alive.

Because God pours his love over me on a daily basis,

I'm alive.

Because Jesus died on the cross,

I'm alive.

I'm not worthy- but I'm grateful.

He's alive in me.

Simple wins.

Every year I swear I'll never buy easter grass ever again...and like a fool I always do.

Happy Easter.

saving grace.

Free yogurt really DOES taste better!

March has been a great month for saving on groceries.
I've paired my coupons with sales and I've saved more than $140.00
That's the deal, coupons alone wont get you that far, you have to wait for the sales.
My average is 30-40 % savings on most (planned) trips.
Twice this week I saved 50% at Publix!
I get really happy about that much savings.

The deals that really blew my mind were:8 oz. bags of Kraft cheese $0.66 each ( I got 6 bags)
(regular price is $2.98)

Chocolate cheerios $1.00 and Honey Nut $1.25
(regular price $4.00 per box )

Hellmann's $1.50
(regular price is about $5.00)

This is the one product Carlos specifically asked NOT to give up, no matter what the price...he happily deals with my experimental brands of bodywash and deodorant, but not his toothpaste. I am proud to say that since I started couponing, average cost has been about $1.00 a tube. Not bad for $4.00+ toothpaste.

i heart being a mom.

spring has sprung.

So spring break came and went quickly- a little too quickly.
We didn't have great weather, so we rented movies, went bowling, and to the arcade.
You may remember this post about Matthew's obsession with the claw game.
I cant believe it, but we actually won something.
It felt monumental and epic. For 13 seconds at least.

Later, as Matthew complained about fact that he only finished with enough tickets to get a laughy taffy. I had a mini-meltdown...righteous anger arose...I was outraged. I realized that I was in a casino for kids, and maybe should deal with his entitlement issues at a later time.
That's the thing with kids, they don't always appreciate the "big wins" for long enough- well Abraham does, sweet middle child.

Sure they stress me out.
Sure they're exhausting.
But I love having them home, I love seeing them be free spirits.
If only every week could be spring break.

But alas, it's back to the daily grind.
Back to working a bunch.
Back to packing lunches and homework.
Back to real life.

I close tonight at work, so I tried to make today kinda relaxing.
Alexandria and I went to lunch at a place with "gracious goodness" in their name, sounds relaxing, right?
We ordered a sandwich, a salad, side of fruit, 2 bags of chips, and 2 drinks...it was $25.00!
"gracious goodness" is an understatement- and not because the food was good.

And of course, my daughter only ate a few bites of the salad.

oh well.

how do you redeem the day after spending way to much on mediocre food?

you get your daughter a cupcake, so you can see this smile.

Yes, those are bright orange jeans.



She wears them with her zebra print Melissa's.
I love her!

More thoughts on vinyl.

My friend, Chris (the husband of my friend/co-worker and beautifully- pregnant Michelle) tried to reply to my 'saved' post, but he couldn't get it to work- he's not all that good with computers, bless him. (just kidding, he's brilliant, and funny.)

I enjoyed what he said, and how he said it. I'm all like "blah, blah, blah warm and fuzzy this & that." And he's all pristine.

"technical sub-debate?" I want one of those. LOL.

Anyway, here's his reply.

Thanks Chris!


"From a strictly technical perspective, I clearly and apologetically prefer digital formats to analog. There is a lot of technical sub-debate, especially regarding "the loudness war" (google it), but that's all beside the point.

As an experience, however, I definitely prefer vinyl to just about anything else. I like the tactile nature of picking a record, unsleeving it, and dropping the needle, but I also like that vinyl forces you to be more deliberate in what you listen to and when you listen to it. Any schmuck and shuffle up an album from iTunes and pipe it over the network to the house, but that sort of takes the soul out of the relationship between me and my music.

Vinyl is to digital audio what hand-written letter have become to email. It's archaic, inefficient, and inconvenient, but none of that matters. Sometimes, it's just plain *better*. Now I just need to get that turntable at the house back into some sort of working order.

I could go on for a while, but I'll shut up now. :) I smell a blog post on this in the near future."

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

saved

So, this morning, I've been listening to Bob Dylan 'Saved' on vinyl. I forgot how good vinyl sounds- so warm and cozy. The music just kinda sits on your chest. Like how you can feel a hug for a few minutes after it's over- you can feel the music. It's brings the experience of listening to music back, and you realize analog wasn't all that bad. Sure, digital is shiny and less resistant to ware, but it's not authentic. It's fancy and predictable. Digital might makes us feel smart, but does it make us feel special?

I think If I had a choice to be old vinyl or a new cd, I'd chose to be vinyl. Even though the bright and shiny things may get the first glance, there's a quiet confidence that comes with being tried and true.

Carlos and I always laugh at the line from 'Ocean's 11' that says, "I'm an analog player in a digital world." I think it's more profound than we realized. Young or old, new or used, we've got to be true to ourselves. Whether we find our treasures under the neon lights of big-box retail, or searching for hours in a secondhand store...just be real. Just be you.

Field trip with Matt.

ink.

The seahorse is taken from the crest of my memaw's beach club. Whenever I saw the seahorses, I knew I was almost there...still the drive down ponte vedra boulevard seemed like a million miles. Anticipation always built as we approached. My breath would catch as we would pass the club, 3 more houses down on the left and there it was- the cottage by the sea. The greeting was always the same- a hug with an air-kiss and a "hello darling." She was simply devine.
How I loved my memaw.

the legends we love.

So, Carlos called me to the backyard awhile ago.

I watched in awe as Abraham took victory laps around the backyard on his new bike.

He's gone from looking like a baby giraffe, trying to make peace with it's wobbly legs- to something more like a young stallion, gracefully strutting his stuff around in the afternoon glow.

Abraham's got a quality about him that's hard to put my finger on.

He's an old soul, he's a young legend,

he's the guy who ready can be anything he wants to be.

Yesterday, a commercial came on the radio about the Oscars.

The kids started talking about acceptance speeches.

Abraham said if he won an Oscar, he would thank Paul Bunyan, John Henry, and Johnny Appleseed. What can I say, he loves his folk heroes.

I always wonder what he'll be like in the future. All I can really figure so far is that he's gonna grow up, he'll break my heart a time or two, but he's going to be amazing. One day he's gonna leave home, but we're going to talk on the phone twice at least twice a week, and he'll probably send me yellow roses on my birthday. He'll call me the night before Thanksgiving, and announce he's bringing someone special to dinner. I won't like her at first...but she'll win me over when she reveals that she's gotten him to eat salad. We'll dance on his wedding day- just me and him. We'll have the sweetest talk out on that dance floor. Knowing him, he'll probably thank me for the bike I bought him when he was 10.

yup, that's my boy.

Better.

So today, I'm feeling better. It's amazing how heartsick you can be for your family or friends.

Two weeks ago, my bff's family dog was poisoned, leaving her kids devastated, it simply broke my heart. And this week has been a pretty bad one for my family.

In the midst of feeling like the world was crashing down- I realized how little we've actually have to deal with crisis, or heartbreak. We have our measure of dysfunction, just like the next family. But we have been so blessed. I'm proud to be a member of my family- If you've ever talked to me for more than 5 minutes, then you know how much I love them.

I mean it when I say I'd rather myself hurt than any of them. Seriously, I'd take it in a heartbeat, If only I could.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

cloudy day and sad songs.
coffee for breakfast just left my stomach feeling even more like a slushy mud puddle.
I wish I could paint a picture of what I see when I close my eyes- it might help somehow.
I wish I could run in a feild until my brain stops churning 'round and 'round.
I wish I had an oulet for this energy- it might relieve this pressure in my chest.

throb.
throb.
throb.

My heart is broken.

word of the day.

What word is on the tip of your tongue? What word do you see written in the clouds when you ask for a sign?

Today, for me, it's HOPE.

Although hope deferred makes the heart sick, fresh hope gives you wings. And what good is having wings if you don't use them?







- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

the latest and greatest

when me moved to huntsville, alexandria was 7, abraham was 4, and matthew was almost 2. we didn't bring their bikes with us- there was no room in the u-haul. we planned to replace them immediately...5 years later, we're just getting around to it. the first place we lived was questionable and our current street is pretty busy, so i never made it a priority. i've felt so bad that my boys didn't know how to ride bikes, it is after all, kinda one of the best things about childhood. it's the wind to your back, it's the the freedom you feel- there's just nothing else like it. abraham is learning without the benefit of training wheels, no easy task.

so, we're back in business. the wind is in our sails again (not my sails per se, i just stand by and yell "car" every 11 seconds, and watch them scramble.)

they aren't the only ones benefiting from the great outdoors, i have added walking to my fitness regimen. who am i kidding, i had no fitness regimen...but that's changing. the weirdest thing about being outside more is the interaction with neighbors. abraham and i got stuck talking to one of the neighborhood watch ladies, who i thought was accusing me of stealing an ipod- she wasn't. She told us of every crime that had been committed on her street in the last 50 years, and make a racist comment. She proceeded to tell abraham if he was ever in need of help, he could knock on her door. she warned that he might get her mentally challenged 35 year old son- if that's not every mom's worst nightmare, i don't know what is. I was also told to "take a picture, it will last longer" by a teenage girl and her 2 member street gang. I giggled and said "you too!" I think mean girls are funny, so stupid and funny.

but mostly i get friendly waves, and barked out by ridiculously cute dogs. i get to listen to music and really hear the lyrics, no chatter- just me and whomever is singing in my ear. it's pretty fantastic.

and as i mentally curse my thunder-thighs, i feel the wind to my back. I hear a little voice that tells me to keep going, it says "go faster, just one more block, everything is okay at home...the dishes can wait, the laundry will get done, just keep going." and i listen, i'm cashing in on whatever freedom i've earned. i feel like i could just take off jogging, but i seriously can't. but walking fast is good enough for me. so i walk as fast as i can without humiliating myself. it's pretty awesome that most of the people in the neighborhood are like 100, or have john deere mailboxes, so it's pretty easy not to care.

just another snowy sunday

We woke up to snow this morning, it was beautiful.
I just wanted to gaze out the window and watch it fall, and get lost in my thoughts.
That of course didn't happen.

I think the biggest challenge as a mom with three kids, is keeping peace in the house.
I want my house to be soft and glowy, clean and sweet...
most of the time it's the exact opposite.

And sometimes I wonder what if:

• I had a sister, and we were super close, and my kids were like her kids, and we helped each other.
  
• My mom lived close by, and I could just drop one (or more) of the kids off when they were driving me crazy.
• I didn't have an insane work schedule, and job that took most of my energy.
• I was just one of those women who can pull it all off, and still seem like they still have more to give.

I know 'what if's' are pointless, but still, I wonder. I wonder why I've been chosen to 'do life' without the support I crave- the support I know I could give in return.

These are the things I ponder on snowy Sundays mornings.

How cute are my parents?

Celebrating 40 years of marriage on Valentine's day... ladies and gentlemen, I give Mr and Mrs Dan Duke.


They're out on the town in Belo
tonight.
Mom says they have the city is to themselves because everyone went Rio for Carnival.

I love you, mom & dad!

the icing dialogues.

So the circus was a smashing success.
We managed to keep it a secret from Abraham until about an hour before showtime.
I think that was the longest I've ever kept a surprise quiet.
About 2 days before his birthday, he asked me if we were just going to celebrate at home, I said yes. He very sincerely replied "that's awesome."

poor baby.

He picked a "Jacksonville Jaguars" cake to take to school, that boy loves his homeland.
The jaguars are a NLF team- for those of you who hate football like I do, and therefore wouldn't know.

On his birthday, I had the weirdest feeling. I had actually done things in advance. No last minute scrambling. It was weird- and wonderful.

I went to pick up the cake which I had PRE-ordered (with the only kind of icing that the school would allow) but they got it wrong, and I was out of time.
They never really said it WASN'T whipcream...but we all knew.

So, I stood there, having an internal dialogue with myself about how whipcream and buttercream both have sugar listed as the first ingredient.
I know it has less lard, but they serve those kids country fried steak and gravy with tater-tots on the side.
double standards much?

I talked it over with Carlos. I talked it over with the bakery ladies- who didn't seem to have any customer service awards in their future.
Did I really want to pick a fight?
They had mullets.

But rules are rules, right?
And they're serious about those rules... on Matthew's birthday, Carlos had to scrape the icing off of 22 cupcakes- much to the horror of Mrs. Moon's 1st grade class.
But that was before I knew the public school's policy on icing.

This time, I had done everything right.
I ordered it 3 days ahead of time, I told them several times that it had to be whipcream.
I tried my best!

So in the end, I made them change the label. Does that make me a bad person?

Being unsure if I could pull it off, I wrote a note to the teacher about how I had "ordered" cake with whipcream icing, to bring to lunch for Abraham's birthday... and left the rest out.
Nobody asked me any questions at the school, so I never had to lie.

I swear, if whipcream had any less sugar, I never would have done it. never.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Shhhh.

Don't tell Abraham, but I'm keeping a secret from him... and well, it's breaking my heart.
His 10th birthday is coming up on Wednesday, which happens to be opening night if the circus. He has no idea I bought tickets like 2 weeks ago. The heartbreaking part is when the commercials come on, he asks if we can go- he has this little light in his eyes that dims away when I say "we'll see."

It's so easy- maybe even theraputic to say no to Aiya and Matt...because they ask for stuff every 42 seconds. But not Abraham, he rarely asks for anything. Some nights, when my head hits the pillow, I panic because I can't remember if I even talked to him all night. I know I do- but since he's not in my face like the other two, it's not as apparent. He's easy as pie. He's tender and brilliant.
I love him so much.

I remember the nights in the hospital when he was born, they were quiet, quiet nights. It was just him and me. (I wanted Carlos to stay with Alexandria, she had never slept over anywhere else.) So in those midnight hours- we learned all there was to know about eachother. He had the most peaceful spirit I had ever encountered. He still does.
I know somebody's gotta be the middle child, sometimes I just wish it didn't have to be him. But then he wouldn't be Abraham...and that would never do.

Wednesday is going to be his day, and I get to tell him the happy news. I really can't stand the circus. But he'll be on the edge of his seat. I can't wait.

the cure.

after the mother of all crappy days, i picked up the ninos and headed home- by way of the grocery store. while inside it started to rain, then pour. walking out-the storm clouds were back-lit by the sunset. it felt more like walking on a movie set rather than anything real.
matt was scared (probably because his sister told him he might get pounded by deadly hail) so he tucked his head under my arm and did his little self-soothing hum he does.

we made it to the car and of course I had left the sunroof open. of course.

so while driving home to the anthem of tornado sirens, my (almost) 10 year old says (in a twangy southern accent for emphasis)

"i knew a storm was brewin' cuz my knee's been hurtin' all day!"

what? what 10 year olds says that?

oh yeah, mine does.

he made me laugh.
and just like that, i felt better.
i hate that i can be so emo. but i can.

so it was a crazy storm.
for a second i thought a funnel cloud might scoop us up.
but i know better than that.

a merry heart makes a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.
Proverbs 15:13

I heart finished projects.

all the bright lights.

i'm not a review writer. i'm not an authority on music.
but i do know good music when i hear it- and i'm in tune with the emotions it evokes.
i love how good music heightens all your senses.
i love how good music puts the life- that other things drained out, back in you.
music is a gift.
this record is a gift-
all wrapped up in something extra special.
it's gut wrenchingly pure- you can tell it comes straight from the heart.
it isn't forced, or devised. it has nothing to prove. it's just plain beautiful.

it's like a drive through the countryside, you're going to see (hear) something new each time.
and probably feel something new each time, too.

in my opinion... it's best heard with ear buds.
and trust me, you're gonna turn it up until you hear your mom's voice in your head warning you of your impending deafness.

and not to be completely self-adsorbed, here is a brief description of the way it makes me feel...

it makes me happy.
it makes me cry.
it makes me want to rise to the occasion.
it breaks my heart- in a good way.
it soothes me.
it moves me.
it makes me feel brave-

and very proud.
oh, did i mention it's my brother's record?

it stirs something on the inside that makes me want to create something in my own rite.
i believe that everybody's got their own masterpiece on the inside that's trying to get out-
and this music could be the soundtrack for that journey.

you should buy it.

click here.

redemption

Dear redplum & smartsource,

I was beginning to think you didn't love me anymore- but after today...I believe in us again!
$2.50 off 1 aveno hair care...Will you marry me?



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

snow day.

they've been predicting snow to arrive today since last week. at about 8:00 a.m. today it started coming down. the grocery stores have been impossibly busy, the shelves are ransacked as if the end of the world is near. there's a nervous energy in the city that's enough to drive you crazy- like a full moon on steroids.

meanwhile...i love snow, it's so beautiful and fun for the kids. the sound it makes falling is like a thousand birds flapping their wings.

gunther likes it, too.

The marriage of true minds.

So Carlos and I were laying in bed...get your mind out of the gutter, we were playing iPhone scrabble. gah. Anyway...I was remembering years ago when we used to write words on eachother's backs (pretend not with an actual pen) and try to guess. Now we have all this technology. It's crazy.


And... I scored a 99 point word! Yay me!

jota (hō′tə)

noun

a Spanish dance in 3/4 time performed by a man and woman to the rhythm of castanets.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

friendship.

Today, I'm so thankful for my BFF Hannah. She's a busy single mom and we rarely get the chance to talk in the phone. When we do, it's like a verbal marathon of scattered thoughts and half told stories. We interrupt each other with the best of intentions not to create another bunny trail- but we always do. We're in a rush to catch up with each other before our hectic lives force us off the phone.

It's quite a contrast to the years we spent as stay-at-home-moms. We shared thousands of lazy days at the beach, park, or kiddie art museums. Afternoons full of fruit salad and talks about motherhood, our marriages, birth, & breastfeeding. Morning visits that turned into afternoon visits, that turned into cooking dinner together. Kids running, and screaming, laughing, and crying. Those were the shining golden years. Those were the best days of my life.

I can't believe we're 600 miles apart, I can't believe how much she still gets me.

So yesterday, I walked around in circles at publix, throwing the occasional item in my cart, as we talked on the phone. I didn't care about groceries, coupons, or sales. I was having a hard day, and I needed a friend. Still talking, still oblivious to the world around me, I finally payed for my items and made my way to my car and drove home.

I cant tell you how many times I get to the end of a conversation, and totally abandon my plan of telling someone "I'm not okay." But when she told me she had to go, I asked her for a few more minutes. 20 minutes and a good ugly cry later, we said goodbye. I don't even remember what I said, but I felt so much better. There's nothing like a heart to heart with your bestie.

I wrote this for her years ago, when I first moved here. I still feel the same way.

Hannah, I know you don't really read my blog, but this one's for you. I love you. And seriously- thank you.

how i miss you
my dear friend
and the days
we used to spend carefree
or so it seemed
our troubles tossed away
left to brew for later.

our babies were babies
as they are no more...
how it seemed they'd be forevermore
unfolding in our arms.

if only i could remember better
the way it was then.
and hindsight being what it is
would have told me to breathe
and feel, and listen a little better...
for those days were fleeting
so precious and few.

and who would of known what the future would bring
contemplating...
as our children would sing.
it was all right there
so simple and free.

the path we carved, who could measure?
babes in arms and in the womb.
losses and gain.
this truth i treasure-
that in laughter and pain
we learn .
and grow.
and the years are sure to show
i could never find another
friend like you.

2010.

hope deferred makes the heart sick,

but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.

proverbs 13:12

i trust you, God!