i bake.

Lately, I have an obsession with baking.
It's so therapeutic for me.
It's usually how I usher in the weekend.
I just forget everything for a while,
and try to create something yummy.
I love having something homemade to offer my children after school.
I love that they prefer my baking to anything store bought.

Baking makes me feel like the mom I always wanted to be.

Recovery.

I've just been writing, and erasing, and writing, these thoughts that are swirling through my sleepy head tonight.
I've felt so emotionally blocked lately. I need a really good cry, and it just won't come- which is quite the contrast to my being able to fill buckets of tears on demand for the complete calendar year of 2010.
January 2010 was when the "stuff" started hitting the fan.
That's when my baby brother's life started falling apart. That's also when I became aware that your heart can break so hard, you feel like you're dying. I've never hurt like that before.

I'll never again be the person I was before last year.
My life, my family, my heart is forever changed.
I'm still feeling some emotional side effects, I routinely go into shutdown mode, and I feel kinda rejected when people don't even notice that I need them. I just have to reach deep for my self-sufficientcy. I've never really been able to pull off being needy, and I'm okay with that.

Sometimes, when I'm inside the space of my family's new dynamic, and I really stop to think about it- it's just too much. Way too much to handle.
But then, like magic, I feel the grace.
The grace of enduring love.
I feel the courage to let go of all the nagging injustices.
I hear the breaths of relief, and see sore eyes light up when life feels normal again.

I'm so lucky to see, and feel these little everyday miracles.
The mystery of grace, the beauty of redemption... It's ours for the taking.
And we have our dignity intact.

I feel so proud of us.

starting.

I want to start blogging again, however with most everything else in life, I don’t really know where to start.
I constantly tell myself that it's really not hard to start. I just need to start.
That simple philosophy has gotten me almost completely enrolled for summer term at the local community college. (woot!)
It hasn't quite been the medicine to help me study math, in hopes of earning a better score on the college placement test. (ugh.)
I think I need REAL medicine for that.

It would really be awesome to not take a remedial math course, especially considering that I'm 36. I had to wait til summer to get in-state tuition, and meanwhile I was supposed to be studying.
I really tried to- but my thoughts always end up wandering off.

Studying has the same effect on me as sitting at a red light.
What starts off as an honest attempt to watch the light- ends up being a daydream interrupted by honking.
I know that once I can get into the actual nursing classes I will be fine.
I can focus on stuff that interests me.
So, I just have to figure out a way to math my new favorite thing.

math is my new favoite thing.