the heart of the matter.

In a few short weeks, I'll be leaving my job. 

It's been at the center of my life for the last 4 years and it's served me well, but it's time for a change. 

I've been caught off guard by my emotions over this transition.

I thought I knew what I was getting myself into because I've been thinking about this for a while. But the truth is, I hate saying goodbye.

I'd assume just walk away than to feel the sting of goodbye tears.
When I cry, I get sweaty and weird, which usually is chased by nervous laughing. 
When it comes to matters of the heart, composure escapes me too often to count. 
Another layer of dignity is gone; just like that. 
What can I say; I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I work with pre-school aged kids, and I love them so much. 

They've been my little friends and filled me with the greatest joy. 
Usually, the ones you get to know best are the spunky and naughty ones. Those are my favorite because once you establish the boundaries, they become the most rewarding. They give the biggest hugs, and expel the loudest happy squeals when they see you coming. 
Their untamed hearts love deep and wide.
And they challenge me to live wilder, more free. 
They've also taught me to have more patience. You'd think after so long I'd have less patience, but no, they made me better. It's what kids do. 


People think working with children is somehow less important than most other things, when in fact the opposite is true. Whenever I questioned the value of my job and began to wonder if I'd better enjoy myself elsewhere, I was always met with some exchange that renewed my heart. So often, I've whispered my thanks to the Lord that over and over, I was in the right place at the right time. I got to see and hear the most beautiful things.
These moments are treasures hidden in my heart. My reward. 

This weekend, among several other goals, I'd vowed to get my emotions in check. The thing that was annoying me the most was I couldn't pinpoint exactly how I was feeling. I asked for help and in typical fashion, the Lord spoke to me through music lyrics.

This time it was Don Henley:

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter

                                              Because the flesh will get weak

And the ashes will scatter

So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

And there it was, clear as day. It's a break-up song. And it's exactly how I'm feeling. 

I've poured my heart into this job for so long and I care about it so much, but it's over. I have to let go. I'm at the part where I can see my ex starting to move on and although I'm happy for him and I don't want him back, it still makes me sad.   

The lyrics helped me put everything into perspective. Although I don't have unforgiveness towards people, I have frustrations and perfectionism issues which amounts to the same thing. And there's definitely things I need to forgive myself for. I was overwhelmed by the ever-daunting heart of the matter and searching for reassurance when I really just need to move on and make room for the new thing ((cough, nursing school.))

At the beginning of the year, I asked for help in learning to release things. I am a major burden-bearer, which isn't a bad thing. The bible says: Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. But also, Jesus says: Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 

I don't know what I'll do for a job, or when I'll get accepted into the program.

I don't know a lot of things, but I know I'll be okay. 

I don't know where it is yet, but I have a place. in fact, I am seated in heavenly places. 

Find me somewhere between the heavy burden and the easy yoke, looking for balance. 
Find me always ready to take care of people.
Find me also learning to take care of myself. 
Find me ever grateful for the way the Lord Loves me.