Wow, I've been writing a lot lately. I've been going through so much and it seems putting my fingers to the keys is the greatest release. And the tears, good gracious, the tears.
I found out this morning that I passed Chemistry.
I took the final on Monday morning and I've been a nervous wreck waiting for the grade to post.
I probably checked my email a thousand times, and threw my head back in frustration every time is wasn't there. I knew in my heart I had passed, but it still needed to be official.
This morning when I checked my phone at 5:something to see how much longer I had to sleep, my finger automatically went for the email tab. Muscle memory from the last 48 hours.
There it was among the flash sale warnings and daily ads that litter my life.
Guys, I got a B on my final.
This was such a hard class and it confused me so much. But I could feel that just under the surface, I
understood it. But there was something blocking me, I was overwhelmed.
Another student told me I was over-thinking it and I wanted to punch her in the face, but now I know she was right. I was looking at the information as a whole instead of breaking it down into little parts and I was mentally checking out- this is story of my life.
About 2 weeks ago, everything started coming together, but I had already tested sub-par on 3 units.
Now, I realize it wasn't that hard at all. And to be honest, I kinda liked doing the formulas and conversions.
Anyway, blah. College is stressful.
But the reason I sat to write today is because with this success, I feel like I need to make a acceptance speech. And I would be remiss if I didn't thank my village of supporters.
They listen to me ramble and make concessions of failure even though I'm still winning.
They tell me I can do it, even though I don't believe them half the time.
And this term, something even more amazing happened.
Someone believed in me with word and deed.
It was the night of the payment deadline for sumer term. My financial aid hadn't come through and the class was set to drop at midnight. This is a very popular class and it was full. If I lost my spot I would have to wait for fall term, which would delay me applying for the program.
Chemistry was a prerequisite for this class and honestly I didn't think I was going to pass anyway.
I had accepted that my whole timeline was thrown off; I had accepted my loss.
It was done.
That was until I get a text from one of my dearest friends asking when I was going to apply.
I proceeded to tell her the saga. (If you know me, you know there's always a saga.)
I'm busy laying it all out when I see the words come across the screen:
"I'll loan you the money to pay for the class."
The rest of the conversation went something like this:
ME: What? No.
It's pointless, I'm probably not going to pass chemistry.
Friend: I want to. I know I'm supposed to.
I let her pay for the class with every bit of dread, but I was determined to make her proud. I knew how much she believed in me, and it went so much further in my heart than just the money. I hadn't even thought of making a way to pay for that class because I didn't believe I would get there. Isn't that sad? But it goes to show, God's strength is made perfect in my weakness.
So thank you, village.
I couldn't do it without you.
Every pep talk. Every listening ear.
You have filled me with hope and carried me with faith.
I am by no means done, but it feels like a nice place to stop and breathe.
That is for 2 weeks until summer term starts.
No comments:
Post a Comment