4 years

so labor day almost got away without me realizing that
this weekend marks 4 years since we moved to huntsville.

moving day.
for years i couldn't even think back to that day
without feeling intense post traumatic stress.
we hit almost every imaginable hurdle...
humorous to think about now,
not humorous then.

so we packed up all our earthy goods...
3 kidos,
a dog, cat, and turtle
all in the van...
an extra huge uhaul (which much to our dismay was diesel, 4 speed,
and could not go above 50mph without violently shaking.)

thousands were evacuating florida because of an impending hurricane
we were evacuating because we were in desperate need of a change...

I came here fully convinced we had fought our battles
and we were just going to breath easy for a while
after all, we had dealt with some hard times
and now a new beginning...
a easy, fun, beautiful season.

we had a honeymoon period
everything was great at first.
new scenery.
new people.
less traffic.
beautiful weather.
and then...
REALITY.
and it was hard.
no momma and daddy down the street,
no friends to meet at the park,
no amazing private school for the kids,
no family,
nothing.
an overwhelming sense of NOTHING.

I hit rock bottom.
i was sad,
mad,
and sooo lonely.
every preconceived idea,
every false hope,
every feeling of rejection
mocked me day and night.
I WAS DEPRESSED.

something i wrote one day was:
looking out the window at the mountain
and the sky
wondering
if i'll ever get that high...
wasn't it you that sent me to this valley?
I'm wondering why.

i knew i was spiritually climbing a mountain.

it was chilling that i was near the trail of tears
where my ancestors had walked
and wept
after having it all stolen away.
i felt all these profound parallels.
i also felt profound strength somewhere just out of reach.

i felt like i was grieving my grandmothers
more so than after they first died.
i was grieving my loss of hope.
i was grieving the moment i was living in.

sadness is paralyzing...
i knew i just had to break away
and start moving forward.
slowly, surely,
day by day,
it got better...
i made myself be happy
and i got better.

i love God, my family, my friends
and myself more than i ever could
if i hadn't felt some loss.
and i know now it wasn't all loss
as much as change
(change i didn't approve of)
it hurt nonetheless.
another thing i wrote
basically sums it up:

These days...
they’ll prove to be few
although for now each one drones by like an out of tune player
...seasons turn
though the reasons become fewer
I will remain
and know
it wasn’t for nothing
sentiments
like changing leaves fall
and flutter away looking quite sure of where they are going
Though I’m found in bareness
this love so pure never could come
if it wasn’t for the losing.

thank you God for these 4 years.
thank you for not giving up on me.
thank you for this beautiful place
you've brought me to.
i rejoice in you Lord
my God.
in you i have found my strength.