regarding 40

My 40th birthday is basically here.

I've been hoping to discover I had somehow miscalculated and perhaps been gifted with one more year to be a 30:something.

Alas, my 30's are over.

Done.

Finished.

Gone, just like that.

What has been the most surprising is the dull ache in my heart over the last 2 months.

I never imagined I would care about turning 40, but it ends up I do. A lot, apparently.

It doesn't help that I have an insatiable urge to listen to every song from my youth, and I've become increasingly aware that my neck is getting wrinkly. 

I was never this girl, so I don't know what to make of it. 

I admire the lines and colors of age, it gives a certain sheen and character to those who embrace it.

But now I can see that embracing it is a story all its own.

Compared to any other birthday, I feel the greatest shift with this one.

If I had to choose a word to describe the shift, I would say "surrender."

I'm realizing it's okay to not have all the answers.

It's okay to sit and wonder.

That's why God made porches, or other thinking spots. And cool breezes, or rays of sun, whatever it takes to fill our souls.

Speaking of porches, mine is my favorite place in the world. 

I whisper my secrets there. And we talk, God and me. 

"What will I be, Lord, what will become of these dreams?"

"Just be love and light." He answers. "And I will take care of the rest."

So that's I'm going to do. I will be love and light. 

The other morning I raised my mug into the cool of dawn. 

The steam off the top made the most beautiful swirl in the air.

I proposed a toast, alone in the quiet.

"To uncertain futures, not uncertain at all.

I surrender. 

To the King."

Cheers, y'all.