The only constant is change...

The last time I remember opening my computer to write was Mother's day, but I never made it here. I ended up logging on to my college website, and somehow, as if my fingers were doing the walking, I ending up on the page for the Occupational Therapy program. Reading about the field ignited something in my heart, like someone turned on the lights after a few years of darkness.

Although for as long as I could remember, my emphasis has been nursing, it just stopped feeling like the right fit. I couldn't tell if I was having a change of heart, or I was weary from how difficult the classes are, and how competitive the field is. Bottom line, I wasn't excited anymore, and it's really hard to stay motivated when you aren't excited about the end result. So I decided to take a semester off and do some soul searching. Come Mother's day, I had no answers and I was feeling like I'd never make myself go back. Basically, I was feeling like a huge failure. I was 40 and I just dropped out of college.

In reality, I had only taken one semester off, after going every term (including summers) since 2011. It was just enough time to watch the entire friend's series on Netflix. And even though my break left me feeling empty, it brought me to a pivotal moment when I had to ask myself why I wasn't excited about school anymore. Turns out, the last 4 months had been full of tiny moments of revelation, I just hadn't pieced them together yet. For example, I'd be dry-heaving at work while cleaning the bathroom, I'd think to myself, do I want to clean people? Can I handle these smells? Or a crazy homeless person would come in spewing and swearing, oh gosh...I don't want to deal with this, I respect those who can handle it, but I don't think I can. Or how with getting older, my sleep cycle has changed and I'm not sure I could be coherent after a 12 hour nursing shift. 

There were a hundred moments of inner dialogue, and once I put them together, I whispered to myself, on Mother's day morning, I don't want to be a nurse anymore. 

With that came such relief. I hadn't quit, I had only changed. 

So by opening my computer to write about how disappointed I was for being a quitter and a loser, I found myself looking at a page with the most perfect career description I had ever seen. And what came next, as I observed an OT session as a part of the application process, was one of the most amazing and precious things I had ever seen. I will dare to say it was just as profound as seeing a birth. Maybe one day I'll be able to write about it. 

I must say, y'all, the Lord moves in mysterious ways.