cloudy day and sad songs.
coffee for breakfast just left my stomach feeling even more like a slushy mud puddle.
I wish I could paint a picture of what I see when I close my eyes- it might help somehow.
I wish I could run in a feild until my brain stops churning 'round and 'round.
I wish I had an oulet for this energy- it might relieve this pressure in my chest.

throb.
throb.
throb.

My heart is broken.

word of the day.

What word is on the tip of your tongue? What word do you see written in the clouds when you ask for a sign?

Today, for me, it's HOPE.

Although hope deferred makes the heart sick, fresh hope gives you wings. And what good is having wings if you don't use them?







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the latest and greatest

when me moved to huntsville, alexandria was 7, abraham was 4, and matthew was almost 2. we didn't bring their bikes with us- there was no room in the u-haul. we planned to replace them immediately...5 years later, we're just getting around to it. the first place we lived was questionable and our current street is pretty busy, so i never made it a priority. i've felt so bad that my boys didn't know how to ride bikes, it is after all, kinda one of the best things about childhood. it's the wind to your back, it's the the freedom you feel- there's just nothing else like it. abraham is learning without the benefit of training wheels, no easy task.

so, we're back in business. the wind is in our sails again (not my sails per se, i just stand by and yell "car" every 11 seconds, and watch them scramble.)

they aren't the only ones benefiting from the great outdoors, i have added walking to my fitness regimen. who am i kidding, i had no fitness regimen...but that's changing. the weirdest thing about being outside more is the interaction with neighbors. abraham and i got stuck talking to one of the neighborhood watch ladies, who i thought was accusing me of stealing an ipod- she wasn't. She told us of every crime that had been committed on her street in the last 50 years, and make a racist comment. She proceeded to tell abraham if he was ever in need of help, he could knock on her door. she warned that he might get her mentally challenged 35 year old son- if that's not every mom's worst nightmare, i don't know what is. I was also told to "take a picture, it will last longer" by a teenage girl and her 2 member street gang. I giggled and said "you too!" I think mean girls are funny, so stupid and funny.

but mostly i get friendly waves, and barked out by ridiculously cute dogs. i get to listen to music and really hear the lyrics, no chatter- just me and whomever is singing in my ear. it's pretty fantastic.

and as i mentally curse my thunder-thighs, i feel the wind to my back. I hear a little voice that tells me to keep going, it says "go faster, just one more block, everything is okay at home...the dishes can wait, the laundry will get done, just keep going." and i listen, i'm cashing in on whatever freedom i've earned. i feel like i could just take off jogging, but i seriously can't. but walking fast is good enough for me. so i walk as fast as i can without humiliating myself. it's pretty awesome that most of the people in the neighborhood are like 100, or have john deere mailboxes, so it's pretty easy not to care.

just another snowy sunday

We woke up to snow this morning, it was beautiful.
I just wanted to gaze out the window and watch it fall, and get lost in my thoughts.
That of course didn't happen.

I think the biggest challenge as a mom with three kids, is keeping peace in the house.
I want my house to be soft and glowy, clean and sweet...
most of the time it's the exact opposite.

And sometimes I wonder what if:

• I had a sister, and we were super close, and my kids were like her kids, and we helped each other.
  
• My mom lived close by, and I could just drop one (or more) of the kids off when they were driving me crazy.
• I didn't have an insane work schedule, and job that took most of my energy.
• I was just one of those women who can pull it all off, and still seem like they still have more to give.

I know 'what if's' are pointless, but still, I wonder. I wonder why I've been chosen to 'do life' without the support I crave- the support I know I could give in return.

These are the things I ponder on snowy Sundays mornings.

How cute are my parents?

Celebrating 40 years of marriage on Valentine's day... ladies and gentlemen, I give Mr and Mrs Dan Duke.


They're out on the town in Belo
tonight.
Mom says they have the city is to themselves because everyone went Rio for Carnival.

I love you, mom & dad!

the icing dialogues.

So the circus was a smashing success.
We managed to keep it a secret from Abraham until about an hour before showtime.
I think that was the longest I've ever kept a surprise quiet.
About 2 days before his birthday, he asked me if we were just going to celebrate at home, I said yes. He very sincerely replied "that's awesome."

poor baby.

He picked a "Jacksonville Jaguars" cake to take to school, that boy loves his homeland.
The jaguars are a NLF team- for those of you who hate football like I do, and therefore wouldn't know.

On his birthday, I had the weirdest feeling. I had actually done things in advance. No last minute scrambling. It was weird- and wonderful.

I went to pick up the cake which I had PRE-ordered (with the only kind of icing that the school would allow) but they got it wrong, and I was out of time.
They never really said it WASN'T whipcream...but we all knew.

So, I stood there, having an internal dialogue with myself about how whipcream and buttercream both have sugar listed as the first ingredient.
I know it has less lard, but they serve those kids country fried steak and gravy with tater-tots on the side.
double standards much?

I talked it over with Carlos. I talked it over with the bakery ladies- who didn't seem to have any customer service awards in their future.
Did I really want to pick a fight?
They had mullets.

But rules are rules, right?
And they're serious about those rules... on Matthew's birthday, Carlos had to scrape the icing off of 22 cupcakes- much to the horror of Mrs. Moon's 1st grade class.
But that was before I knew the public school's policy on icing.

This time, I had done everything right.
I ordered it 3 days ahead of time, I told them several times that it had to be whipcream.
I tried my best!

So in the end, I made them change the label. Does that make me a bad person?

Being unsure if I could pull it off, I wrote a note to the teacher about how I had "ordered" cake with whipcream icing, to bring to lunch for Abraham's birthday... and left the rest out.
Nobody asked me any questions at the school, so I never had to lie.

I swear, if whipcream had any less sugar, I never would have done it. never.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Shhhh.

Don't tell Abraham, but I'm keeping a secret from him... and well, it's breaking my heart.
His 10th birthday is coming up on Wednesday, which happens to be opening night if the circus. He has no idea I bought tickets like 2 weeks ago. The heartbreaking part is when the commercials come on, he asks if we can go- he has this little light in his eyes that dims away when I say "we'll see."

It's so easy- maybe even theraputic to say no to Aiya and Matt...because they ask for stuff every 42 seconds. But not Abraham, he rarely asks for anything. Some nights, when my head hits the pillow, I panic because I can't remember if I even talked to him all night. I know I do- but since he's not in my face like the other two, it's not as apparent. He's easy as pie. He's tender and brilliant.
I love him so much.

I remember the nights in the hospital when he was born, they were quiet, quiet nights. It was just him and me. (I wanted Carlos to stay with Alexandria, she had never slept over anywhere else.) So in those midnight hours- we learned all there was to know about eachother. He had the most peaceful spirit I had ever encountered. He still does.
I know somebody's gotta be the middle child, sometimes I just wish it didn't have to be him. But then he wouldn't be Abraham...and that would never do.

Wednesday is going to be his day, and I get to tell him the happy news. I really can't stand the circus. But he'll be on the edge of his seat. I can't wait.

the cure.

after the mother of all crappy days, i picked up the ninos and headed home- by way of the grocery store. while inside it started to rain, then pour. walking out-the storm clouds were back-lit by the sunset. it felt more like walking on a movie set rather than anything real.
matt was scared (probably because his sister told him he might get pounded by deadly hail) so he tucked his head under my arm and did his little self-soothing hum he does.

we made it to the car and of course I had left the sunroof open. of course.

so while driving home to the anthem of tornado sirens, my (almost) 10 year old says (in a twangy southern accent for emphasis)

"i knew a storm was brewin' cuz my knee's been hurtin' all day!"

what? what 10 year olds says that?

oh yeah, mine does.

he made me laugh.
and just like that, i felt better.
i hate that i can be so emo. but i can.

so it was a crazy storm.
for a second i thought a funnel cloud might scoop us up.
but i know better than that.

a merry heart makes a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.
Proverbs 15:13

I heart finished projects.

all the bright lights.

i'm not a review writer. i'm not an authority on music.
but i do know good music when i hear it- and i'm in tune with the emotions it evokes.
i love how good music heightens all your senses.
i love how good music puts the life- that other things drained out, back in you.
music is a gift.
this record is a gift-
all wrapped up in something extra special.
it's gut wrenchingly pure- you can tell it comes straight from the heart.
it isn't forced, or devised. it has nothing to prove. it's just plain beautiful.

it's like a drive through the countryside, you're going to see (hear) something new each time.
and probably feel something new each time, too.

in my opinion... it's best heard with ear buds.
and trust me, you're gonna turn it up until you hear your mom's voice in your head warning you of your impending deafness.

and not to be completely self-adsorbed, here is a brief description of the way it makes me feel...

it makes me happy.
it makes me cry.
it makes me want to rise to the occasion.
it breaks my heart- in a good way.
it soothes me.
it moves me.
it makes me feel brave-

and very proud.
oh, did i mention it's my brother's record?

it stirs something on the inside that makes me want to create something in my own rite.
i believe that everybody's got their own masterpiece on the inside that's trying to get out-
and this music could be the soundtrack for that journey.

you should buy it.

click here.

redemption

Dear redplum & smartsource,

I was beginning to think you didn't love me anymore- but after today...I believe in us again!
$2.50 off 1 aveno hair care...Will you marry me?



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone