E is for Epiphany

Mom.
Wife.
Sister.
Nurturer.
Friend.

These are a few adjectives I've used to describe myself.
But as I wrote in my previous entry, my existential crisis left me feeling mostly like a fraud.


I went from attaching my sole identity and fulfillment to the aforementioned ways of being to feeling like I'd gladly purchase a one-way ticket away from all of it.
This was devastating to me.

That's the thing; the nugget of wisdom I've gathered. When someone is emotionally checked out, it's easy to just assume they're being selfish, or a jerk, but most likely they're really sad. Nobody wants to be a disappointment. Nobody would volunteer to stop being who they've always been, but sometimes an adjustment is necessary. And it's not always easy. It reminds me of when technology needs to update and you can't go any further until it does. It's usually inconvenient, maybe you lose unsaved work. The system has a process to undergo, whether you want it to or not.

Over the last few months, the only thing I really cared about was sitting on my porch and listening to music. The expression "I need a DJ to save my life" took on a whole new meaning.
I've listened to more music in the last 2 months than a decade combined.
I just had to work it out, song by song, dance party by dance party, tear by tear.

Of course, guilt was never too far away. I'd never spent that much time by myself. I'd never ignored my children like that. Again, this was all involuntary, but I see now why it happened.

Now to the part where I describe my epiphany.

I recently came across an adjective that someone used to describe them-self, "spark seeker." Those words lingered in my head for days on end.
Spark seeker.
I could tell there was something brewing with those words and I needed to discover what it was.
I, at the doorstep of a new decade, have felt the need for something new and exciting.
Am I seeking a spark? What does that even mean?

While pondering this matter that had me intrigued and confounded, I was scrolling through my iTunes and came across my favorite U2 album. The Unforgettable Fire.
3 words I had seen a thousand times were now hauntingly profound, so I dove right in and explored.
My mind quickly painted a picture of a fire. In that fire were the most beautiful moments of my life. The moments that flicker and shine in my mind's eye. Then I thought, what a travesty it would be if i was distracted by seeking sparks that I took my eyes off this fire. There's nothing wrong with sparks, I enjoy them just fine. A spark is a second in time, but this fire is eternal, it's unforgettable. It's my fire, my life, and it's beautiful.

These new thoughts swirled in my head for days; deep sighs and cleansing breaths commenced. For the first time in months, there was no anxiety churning in my gut. I was breathing again. Something I've told other people to do a million times.
Just breathe.
I was breathing and basking in the warmth of my fire. I was feeling better.

In my lifelong quest to find the beauty and meaning in all things, this unfolding of the contents of my heart has found me another step closer to the light. I am feeling so loved and supported by the people who surround me. My people are the glue that holds me together. Being vulnerable over the last few months was uncharted territory, anyone who talked to me more than five minutes was bound to hear a part of my story. I shared my struggle, usually with some manner of sarcasm and self-depreciation.
But without fail, I was heard, and loved, and hugged, and validated, and affirmed. Slowly, yet surely, I was put back together.

Nowadays, I am feeling invincible. Being fresh off the heels of crisis brings endorphins and gratitude. I'm thankful for the redemption that comes after painstakingly digging through the burrows of life. Knowing that even the ugliest findings don't change the truth. Feeling confident that in 99.9% of my life's moments, I was doing the best I knew how to do.
Smiling at a new decade- the one when all 3 of my children will become adults. And finally, without hesitation knowing that the real spark is in me. It's the spark that started it all.

So that's my epiphany, and it's the best birthday gift I could've received.