Why?

I find myself asking Alexandria that question a lot. I have been since she was old enough to talk. She used to answer in her slightly hyper and breathy voice- "just betuz" or "betuz i thought about it, and I just besided (decided) to do it."

The reasons I ask are always different...could be that she drew all over her hands with a sharpie, could be that she's wearing a masquerade mask to the grocery store, could be that she painted my desk with whiteout. (she's done all these things in the last 6 months.) I'm no sure why I ask why, but I always do. The stuff she does puzzles me on the deepest levels. It's been this way forever, she just does random things all.the.time. It drives me crazy, yet I kinda like it. She keeps me guessing.

Maybe one day she'll give me an answer...although I kinda already know. It's because she's Alexandria and/or because she thought about it, and she just decided to do it.

merry, merry.

It's Christmas eve, and I'm have a BBQ lunch with the family. On the way here, Carlos secretly mouthed words "just let them open one gift tonight." There's no way there opening a gift tonight- now that they're older the gifts are fewer yet way higher in cost. I know it's not about gifts, but I want them to feel like they got enough. I want the unwrapping experience to last for more than two minutes. I want their Christmas to be magic.

We're staying home this year for the first time in forever. It's bittersweet- I love the downtime, but I miss my family. I'm just trying to breathe and rest, because it's going to be awhile before I have a week off again.

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taking it. and leaving it.

So, my 36th birthday is Sunday and this one is hitting me kinda hard. I know I'm not old- but I'm not that young anymore either. Being officially beyond my mid 30's is slightly depressing...especially because I haven't met
several goals that I set a long, long time ago. But way more importantly than that, there are many things that just keep getting better and better. I definitely enjoy the confidence that comes with age- I kinda like knowing who I am. As much as I miss having little kids, I LOVE having older kids that are extremely self sufficient...and a having a teenager/insta-sitter is just swirly pink icing on the cupcake. I love running to the store by myself, or having an impromptu frozen yogurt date with Carlos. I'm okay with the fact that I don't have a ton of friends, I'd just rather have a few really good ones. There's finally no more obsessing about people who have more stuff than me- like bigger houses, better cars, cuter clothes. At the end of the day, I wouldn't want anybody else's life. I don't want what isn't mine.

I was talking to a younger mom tonight about my being anti-social...I think she thought I was apologizing- I wasn't, at all. I'd chose to hang out with my family over most any social event...It's just who I am. Take it or leave it.

I think that's what being thirty-something is all about...being able to say "take it or leave it" and really meaning it.

So, although smile lines, and the onset of hot flashes is by far not my favorite...I'm just gonna take it- theres not a lot I can do about it. But what I can do is keep learning and reaching out. I'm going to enjoy being me. And if all goes as planned, I'm going to be a nurse by the time I'm 40.

Here goes nothing.





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the one where I tell you that I miss Alabama

I really haven't wanted to exhaust myself by writing this post. I wanted to stay in the honeymoon faze of being home forever. I didn't want to acknowledge that life in a big city is about a thousand times harder. I wanted to just skip over the part where my heart sinks when I drop my kids off every morning and then drive 30 minutes to work...not 5 minutes, thirty minutes. And when our older cars begin to revolt against all the commuting- I may have had a few "final straw" moments. But I try and get over it quickly- because there really isn't an available option to give up.

I knew it, I knew what we were doing. I knew enough to savor every minute of sweet little Huntsville- especially the fall colors...especially everything being 5 minutes away. We are home now, and I although I am still exhausted from the transition- my heart feels whole again- and that's the best feeling in the world. That doesn't mean that I don't miss my old life there- because I do. A lot of things never clicked for me there, but one thing sure did, and that was my job at Starbucks. My partners became as close as family, and I miss them so terribly much. I've never laughed so hard in my life than I did in that place- with those people. I probably met the peek of all frustration there as well... but It all went together and created a very fulfilling and important time of my life.

I hate to give Starbucks more credit that it's due because I think it's already a pretty ego-inflated company, but it turns out that life really does happen over coffee. You give somebody something delicious, and you take a little time to connect, and some strange magic happens. I feel so blessed to have met my Starbucks friends- they were a part of a season that was both the sweetest and the hardest time of my life. It isn't a stretch to say that they saved me, not only from the grasp of depression, but from my narrow view of the world. I'll never be the same person again because of them- and that happens to be the best part about my time Huntsville.

I miss the foothills.
I miss little Rosie's.
I miss my friends.
I miss the fall colors.
I miss the cooler weather and lower humidity.
I miss my kid's school.

So there you have it. I miss Alabama.




--
Holly Duke Torres



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king with a crown

So, I was putting groceries in the trunk of my car, when I noticed a small piece of green paper. It got my attention because it had the imprint of a crown and looked like something that was sent home from school.

In a tiny, impossibly squiggly font it read...

In P.E. class your child was chosen as king for the noblesse oblige behavior choices he makes. Noblesse oblige is a French phrase that means 'noble obligation'. True royalty makes honorable, generous and responsible choices. The classroom teacher was consulted that the student exhibits noble manners during the entire school day. It is a joy teaching your child.

Right then and there came the tears. It was like all the bottled up feelings of sadness, anxiety and guilt over my kids starting over, just kinda made their way to being a big lump in my throat.
I hate that feeling of stinging tears shouting "let me out, who cares about dignity anymore?!?!"
I almost couldn't believe what I was reading- his teacher had just pronounced a blessing over him, and any other child that she gave this to.
"true royalty"
"it's a joy to teach your child"
What wonderful things to say in a world that almost never feels uplifting.

I just can't get over the sweetness of God doing something just for me. Matthew doesn't really care about a piece of green paper, I'm sure a lot of parents threw it away without even reading it. But for me, it felt like a treasure- buried under the contents of my trunk.

I pray everyday for my kids to feel appreciated and that they belong. What a nice little reminder that God hears my prayers.

thirteen.

So, if being scared to death about sending the boys to new schools (that you could literally park their old school in a tiny corner of the new ones- and yes, they go to separate schools because of over crowding) wasn't emotionally taxing enough- Alexandria is turning thirteen on Monday.

Thirteen.

I feel like she should be turning 27... I feel like she just turned 8. That's how loose my grasp of time is with her. She's been here forever- she just got here... it's both, all at once.

Alexandria Abigail.

She's an old soul.
She's insightful.
She's hilarious.
She's cranky.
She's smart.
She's beautiful.
She's addicted to carbs.
She's fiercely creative.
She's a realist.
She's a dancer.
She's Carlos.
She's me.

She's thirteen.

Being a mom.

So, last week- Alexandria went off to youth group camp. It was at the beach, in the gulf- 6 hours away. She stayed in a villa, went shopping, drank coffee, made friends, burnt her hand with a flat iron, went to the pool, cooked pizzas in the oven, laughed, cried, danced, prayed- all of this without me. All of this while I was at home missing her. I was really worried about her the whole time... but she loved it. She said she never wanted to leave.

I was pretty much an emotional wreck last week. It's just that everybody is growing up so fast, and time is getting away from me. I'm nervous about the kids going to new schools. I'm nervous about Alexandria turning into a teenager this month. I'm nervous about everything when it comes to my kids.

It's hard being a mom- not just because it's so much work, not just because it's total sacrifice...but because there is so much to think and worry about. There are a million things to worry about.

To me- the driving force of motherhood is love, and this love is put to action by an instinctual fear of something happening to your child.
It's the heights of all emotion-
Happiness.
Sadness.
Fear.
Relief.
Pride.
Embarrassment.
All of it,
everything,
and so much more...

That's being a mom.

a return to her shores...

i love this

crossing bridges.

Something I really missed during my time in Alabama were all the beautiful bridges in Jacksonville. I missed water in general...who am I kidding- I missed everything. So, I've been taking it all in, and as I become reacquainted with the landscape of my beautiful homeland, I've been completely overwhelmed with a feeling of thankfulness.

This bridge (the dames point) takes us to the zoo, aunt Kim's house, and the airport. There is something so majestic about going over a huge bridge (and something incredibly scary about going over little ones.) When I'm not the one driving, I just gaze off to where the sky and the water meet- way off in the farthest reaches. As I gaze, my inner eagle imagines flying right out of the car window and swooping over the glassy water- doing a few air spins on my way down. Sometimes, I see dolphins doing flips, and I remember the girl who felt like a fish out of water for 6 years. Seriously, it's only been a month and I almost cant remember feeling that way.

Dear God,

Thank you for bringing me home...

Soldier of love.

After 19 days of being home, I feel just the same as I did when I crossed the state line...
I feel alive.
Although, I can't seem to completely find my bearings while recovering from the move- I'm trying to just flow with it. I'm trying to give up on controling everything, and just enjoy life... I think I probably deserve that.
Our new found abundance of time with family and friends has come with challenges, but, for the most part, I feel l feel like I'm living the dream.
I've found that the more living you do- the more messes you have to clean. For example, the more you swim, the more soured towels you find behind the bathroom door. The more kids you have running around, the more bandaids you need. The more time you spend laughing with friends, is less time that you're watching the puppy, and it poops in your bathroom, and a guest see's before you do, and you absolutley want to die. The more you see family, the more you have to say goodbye, and that part is never fun.

I can't hide from these things- it's real life. It's being vunerable. It's being a family. Sometimes, a family finds itself redefining roles, and taking on new shapes- but I get the feeling that we're strong enough.

Today, I felt like I sent my brother off to be a soldier- I witnessed a kind of deployment. He'll travel far, but he'll return...and my door will be open. He's a soldier of love- and I'm proud of him. It's a been a tough time for us Duke's, but we're finding our way- you can't deny the power of love.

Life is messy- but it sure is beautiful. Blood, poop, and tears- life is just so beautiful.

A thousand miles later.

It wasn't easy...
but it was worth it...

Home.