sigh.

Yesterday, I was at work, dodging cars in the parking lot, as I took out the trash. It was crisp and windy. I thought the clouds looked like snow clouds, but then I realized, I have no idea what snow clouds look like. But they looked like I'd imagine snow clouds would look, gray and billowy. In that moment, I wished a fluffy snow would fall, and wisp me straightaway to Christmas morning. I caught a glimpse of somebody taking a smoke break. It seemed like they were enjoying their solitude. My thoughts drifted away to memaw...always with the cigarette- always shining in my eyes. I missed her so bad it stung my throat. Tomorrow is 9 years since she died. I've thought about her seven billion times since then. I've told her I miss her, and how much I still needed her. She was my vision of perfection, although I knew she had flaws. She was my favorite place. She was Christmas.

Music was playing loudly, I assume for the marathon taking place across the street. Suddenly, "give it away" from red hot chili peppers came on. At first, I thought that was an odd song to hear in a public setting. And then I remembered, I'm 35. Pretty much everything caters to my age group. We generation X-ers are all grown up. We're the soccer moms, and the engineers. The nurses, and bankers.

Fighting the urge to break out a few dance moves, I closed the door on one of my favorite songs from the past...I had nothing more to do outside. I felt so sad in that moment. I felt like the chili peppers were mocking me. I felt like they knew they were hitting a nerve. I wanted to shout. I wanted to dance all over the monotony of my life. I want to take everything back that I've lost. I want to feel like I have a purpose. I want a farm house, without the farm. I want to help women have babies.

I want another Christmas with Memaw.