the one where I tell you that I miss Alabama

I really haven't wanted to exhaust myself by writing this post. I wanted to stay in the honeymoon faze of being home forever. I didn't want to acknowledge that life in a big city is about a thousand times harder. I wanted to just skip over the part where my heart sinks when I drop my kids off every morning and then drive 30 minutes to work...not 5 minutes, thirty minutes. And when our older cars begin to revolt against all the commuting- I may have had a few "final straw" moments. But I try and get over it quickly- because there really isn't an available option to give up.

I knew it, I knew what we were doing. I knew enough to savor every minute of sweet little Huntsville- especially the fall colors...especially everything being 5 minutes away. We are home now, and I although I am still exhausted from the transition- my heart feels whole again- and that's the best feeling in the world. That doesn't mean that I don't miss my old life there- because I do. A lot of things never clicked for me there, but one thing sure did, and that was my job at Starbucks. My partners became as close as family, and I miss them so terribly much. I've never laughed so hard in my life than I did in that place- with those people. I probably met the peek of all frustration there as well... but It all went together and created a very fulfilling and important time of my life.

I hate to give Starbucks more credit that it's due because I think it's already a pretty ego-inflated company, but it turns out that life really does happen over coffee. You give somebody something delicious, and you take a little time to connect, and some strange magic happens. I feel so blessed to have met my Starbucks friends- they were a part of a season that was both the sweetest and the hardest time of my life. It isn't a stretch to say that they saved me, not only from the grasp of depression, but from my narrow view of the world. I'll never be the same person again because of them- and that happens to be the best part about my time Huntsville.

I miss the foothills.
I miss little Rosie's.
I miss my friends.
I miss the fall colors.
I miss the cooler weather and lower humidity.
I miss my kid's school.

So there you have it. I miss Alabama.




--
Holly Duke Torres



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

king with a crown

So, I was putting groceries in the trunk of my car, when I noticed a small piece of green paper. It got my attention because it had the imprint of a crown and looked like something that was sent home from school.

In a tiny, impossibly squiggly font it read...

In P.E. class your child was chosen as king for the noblesse oblige behavior choices he makes. Noblesse oblige is a French phrase that means 'noble obligation'. True royalty makes honorable, generous and responsible choices. The classroom teacher was consulted that the student exhibits noble manners during the entire school day. It is a joy teaching your child.

Right then and there came the tears. It was like all the bottled up feelings of sadness, anxiety and guilt over my kids starting over, just kinda made their way to being a big lump in my throat.
I hate that feeling of stinging tears shouting "let me out, who cares about dignity anymore?!?!"
I almost couldn't believe what I was reading- his teacher had just pronounced a blessing over him, and any other child that she gave this to.
"true royalty"
"it's a joy to teach your child"
What wonderful things to say in a world that almost never feels uplifting.

I just can't get over the sweetness of God doing something just for me. Matthew doesn't really care about a piece of green paper, I'm sure a lot of parents threw it away without even reading it. But for me, it felt like a treasure- buried under the contents of my trunk.

I pray everyday for my kids to feel appreciated and that they belong. What a nice little reminder that God hears my prayers.

thirteen.

So, if being scared to death about sending the boys to new schools (that you could literally park their old school in a tiny corner of the new ones- and yes, they go to separate schools because of over crowding) wasn't emotionally taxing enough- Alexandria is turning thirteen on Monday.

Thirteen.

I feel like she should be turning 27... I feel like she just turned 8. That's how loose my grasp of time is with her. She's been here forever- she just got here... it's both, all at once.

Alexandria Abigail.

She's an old soul.
She's insightful.
She's hilarious.
She's cranky.
She's smart.
She's beautiful.
She's addicted to carbs.
She's fiercely creative.
She's a realist.
She's a dancer.
She's Carlos.
She's me.

She's thirteen.

Being a mom.

So, last week- Alexandria went off to youth group camp. It was at the beach, in the gulf- 6 hours away. She stayed in a villa, went shopping, drank coffee, made friends, burnt her hand with a flat iron, went to the pool, cooked pizzas in the oven, laughed, cried, danced, prayed- all of this without me. All of this while I was at home missing her. I was really worried about her the whole time... but she loved it. She said she never wanted to leave.

I was pretty much an emotional wreck last week. It's just that everybody is growing up so fast, and time is getting away from me. I'm nervous about the kids going to new schools. I'm nervous about Alexandria turning into a teenager this month. I'm nervous about everything when it comes to my kids.

It's hard being a mom- not just because it's so much work, not just because it's total sacrifice...but because there is so much to think and worry about. There are a million things to worry about.

To me- the driving force of motherhood is love, and this love is put to action by an instinctual fear of something happening to your child.
It's the heights of all emotion-
Happiness.
Sadness.
Fear.
Relief.
Pride.
Embarrassment.
All of it,
everything,
and so much more...

That's being a mom.

a return to her shores...

i love this

crossing bridges.

Something I really missed during my time in Alabama were all the beautiful bridges in Jacksonville. I missed water in general...who am I kidding- I missed everything. So, I've been taking it all in, and as I become reacquainted with the landscape of my beautiful homeland, I've been completely overwhelmed with a feeling of thankfulness.

This bridge (the dames point) takes us to the zoo, aunt Kim's house, and the airport. There is something so majestic about going over a huge bridge (and something incredibly scary about going over little ones.) When I'm not the one driving, I just gaze off to where the sky and the water meet- way off in the farthest reaches. As I gaze, my inner eagle imagines flying right out of the car window and swooping over the glassy water- doing a few air spins on my way down. Sometimes, I see dolphins doing flips, and I remember the girl who felt like a fish out of water for 6 years. Seriously, it's only been a month and I almost cant remember feeling that way.

Dear God,

Thank you for bringing me home...

Soldier of love.

After 19 days of being home, I feel just the same as I did when I crossed the state line...
I feel alive.
Although, I can't seem to completely find my bearings while recovering from the move- I'm trying to just flow with it. I'm trying to give up on controling everything, and just enjoy life... I think I probably deserve that.
Our new found abundance of time with family and friends has come with challenges, but, for the most part, I feel l feel like I'm living the dream.
I've found that the more living you do- the more messes you have to clean. For example, the more you swim, the more soured towels you find behind the bathroom door. The more kids you have running around, the more bandaids you need. The more time you spend laughing with friends, is less time that you're watching the puppy, and it poops in your bathroom, and a guest see's before you do, and you absolutley want to die. The more you see family, the more you have to say goodbye, and that part is never fun.

I can't hide from these things- it's real life. It's being vunerable. It's being a family. Sometimes, a family finds itself redefining roles, and taking on new shapes- but I get the feeling that we're strong enough.

Today, I felt like I sent my brother off to be a soldier- I witnessed a kind of deployment. He'll travel far, but he'll return...and my door will be open. He's a soldier of love- and I'm proud of him. It's a been a tough time for us Duke's, but we're finding our way- you can't deny the power of love.

Life is messy- but it sure is beautiful. Blood, poop, and tears- life is just so beautiful.

A thousand miles later.

It wasn't easy...
but it was worth it...

Home.

the bottom line.

So, I haven't written in forever.
Truth is, I haven't known where to begin. There's so much that has been happening, leaving me with swirling thoughts- and a deep awareness of my inability to convey them.

I want to just spill it.
Rent a billboard.
Make it be fair.
Shake somebody by the shoulders.
Change the past.
Write a book.
Alas, It's not my story to tell.

Except, it is my story...
because family is family,
and when one of us goes down- we all go down.

I never knew a heart could break so many times over. Everytime, I'm shocked at my ability recover.
And honestly, my savior complex took a crushing blow when I realized that I'm never going say the perfect thing to make it better. I'm never going witness a "lightbulb moment" for sobody who doesn't want one.

Everybody makes mistakes. We do what we can to fix them, and hope for forgiveness.
Sometimes there's deeper issues. Some people just don't know how to love. Some people had it bad I guess, and they're damaged beyond repair- so they hurt people beyond repair.

Certain scenes from this life may play out like a bad movie. And you find yourself watching the replay when you can't sleep at night. It's just always running in the back of your mind. You want to throw something at the screen during the part where you play the fool. You want to cover your eyes when somebody is about to get hurt- but you can't. It's real life. And all we can really do is try our best.

Bottom line- certain things are horrible, but if you come out of it with deeper love for your family- hate can't win. Hurt can't win. Loss can't win. Love will win.

Love always wins.

So...

this year has been horrible.

this year has been wonderful.



that's all.

home

Home is calling.

She's such a vision in the spring-

the backdrop to every wandering dream.

She contains each glimpse of the slide show in my mind.

*click*

tiny toes in the grass.

*click*

little cheeks all rosy from play.

*click*

first wobbly steps, making his way back to me.

I am mother to the core.

I am a temple.

Home is calling.

Oh how we've changed.

How the years have left their mark-

in lines and colors.

I want to hold on-

I want to stop time in it's speeding tracks.

But everybody is growing.

And changing.

Like little birds-

they're reaching for the sky-

they've got that look in their eye.

One day they'll fly away.

Home is calling.

Though we may not be the same- surely she'll take us back.

Like traders, we'll beg and barter.

No price too great-

I've just got to belong again.

Home is calling.

I can smell the salty air.

I will return to her shores-

and whisper all my secrets there.

I am a descendant of greatness.

I am a lady of the sea.

Home is calling,

and I will answer...

I'm going to find my way back-

I swear.

I'm already gone.

I'm almost there.

Home.