a return to her shores...

i love this

crossing bridges.

Something I really missed during my time in Alabama were all the beautiful bridges in Jacksonville. I missed water in general...who am I kidding- I missed everything. So, I've been taking it all in, and as I become reacquainted with the landscape of my beautiful homeland, I've been completely overwhelmed with a feeling of thankfulness.

This bridge (the dames point) takes us to the zoo, aunt Kim's house, and the airport. There is something so majestic about going over a huge bridge (and something incredibly scary about going over little ones.) When I'm not the one driving, I just gaze off to where the sky and the water meet- way off in the farthest reaches. As I gaze, my inner eagle imagines flying right out of the car window and swooping over the glassy water- doing a few air spins on my way down. Sometimes, I see dolphins doing flips, and I remember the girl who felt like a fish out of water for 6 years. Seriously, it's only been a month and I almost cant remember feeling that way.

Dear God,

Thank you for bringing me home...

Soldier of love.

After 19 days of being home, I feel just the same as I did when I crossed the state line...
I feel alive.
Although, I can't seem to completely find my bearings while recovering from the move- I'm trying to just flow with it. I'm trying to give up on controling everything, and just enjoy life... I think I probably deserve that.
Our new found abundance of time with family and friends has come with challenges, but, for the most part, I feel l feel like I'm living the dream.
I've found that the more living you do- the more messes you have to clean. For example, the more you swim, the more soured towels you find behind the bathroom door. The more kids you have running around, the more bandaids you need. The more time you spend laughing with friends, is less time that you're watching the puppy, and it poops in your bathroom, and a guest see's before you do, and you absolutley want to die. The more you see family, the more you have to say goodbye, and that part is never fun.

I can't hide from these things- it's real life. It's being vunerable. It's being a family. Sometimes, a family finds itself redefining roles, and taking on new shapes- but I get the feeling that we're strong enough.

Today, I felt like I sent my brother off to be a soldier- I witnessed a kind of deployment. He'll travel far, but he'll return...and my door will be open. He's a soldier of love- and I'm proud of him. It's a been a tough time for us Duke's, but we're finding our way- you can't deny the power of love.

Life is messy- but it sure is beautiful. Blood, poop, and tears- life is just so beautiful.

A thousand miles later.

It wasn't easy...
but it was worth it...

Home.

the bottom line.

So, I haven't written in forever.
Truth is, I haven't known where to begin. There's so much that has been happening, leaving me with swirling thoughts- and a deep awareness of my inability to convey them.

I want to just spill it.
Rent a billboard.
Make it be fair.
Shake somebody by the shoulders.
Change the past.
Write a book.
Alas, It's not my story to tell.

Except, it is my story...
because family is family,
and when one of us goes down- we all go down.

I never knew a heart could break so many times over. Everytime, I'm shocked at my ability recover.
And honestly, my savior complex took a crushing blow when I realized that I'm never going say the perfect thing to make it better. I'm never going witness a "lightbulb moment" for sobody who doesn't want one.

Everybody makes mistakes. We do what we can to fix them, and hope for forgiveness.
Sometimes there's deeper issues. Some people just don't know how to love. Some people had it bad I guess, and they're damaged beyond repair- so they hurt people beyond repair.

Certain scenes from this life may play out like a bad movie. And you find yourself watching the replay when you can't sleep at night. It's just always running in the back of your mind. You want to throw something at the screen during the part where you play the fool. You want to cover your eyes when somebody is about to get hurt- but you can't. It's real life. And all we can really do is try our best.

Bottom line- certain things are horrible, but if you come out of it with deeper love for your family- hate can't win. Hurt can't win. Loss can't win. Love will win.

Love always wins.

So...

this year has been horrible.

this year has been wonderful.



that's all.

home

Home is calling.

She's such a vision in the spring-

the backdrop to every wandering dream.

She contains each glimpse of the slide show in my mind.

*click*

tiny toes in the grass.

*click*

little cheeks all rosy from play.

*click*

first wobbly steps, making his way back to me.

I am mother to the core.

I am a temple.

Home is calling.

Oh how we've changed.

How the years have left their mark-

in lines and colors.

I want to hold on-

I want to stop time in it's speeding tracks.

But everybody is growing.

And changing.

Like little birds-

they're reaching for the sky-

they've got that look in their eye.

One day they'll fly away.

Home is calling.

Though we may not be the same- surely she'll take us back.

Like traders, we'll beg and barter.

No price too great-

I've just got to belong again.

Home is calling.

I can smell the salty air.

I will return to her shores-

and whisper all my secrets there.

I am a descendant of greatness.

I am a lady of the sea.

Home is calling,

and I will answer...

I'm going to find my way back-

I swear.

I'm already gone.

I'm almost there.

Home.

and so it goes.

Every few months, I look Carlos straight in the eye and I tell him that I either need a puppy or a baby. He always says no to both. That was until last Friday. I called about an ad for a 6 week old chihuahua puppy- an hour later, she was ours.
She's technically Alexandria's puppy, but she requires a little more care than a 12yr. old can really endure- all though all the kids are helping out tremendously. Her name is Chica, and I am in love.
Having something so little and helpless to mother is extremely satisfying to me. It's what I love best in the whole world.

Visit here for Alexandria's thoughts on her new bff.

I'm alive.

Because God pours his love over me on a daily basis,

I'm alive.

Because Jesus died on the cross,

I'm alive.

I'm not worthy- but I'm grateful.

He's alive in me.

Simple wins.

Every year I swear I'll never buy easter grass ever again...and like a fool I always do.

Happy Easter.

saving grace.

Free yogurt really DOES taste better!

March has been a great month for saving on groceries.
I've paired my coupons with sales and I've saved more than $140.00
That's the deal, coupons alone wont get you that far, you have to wait for the sales.
My average is 30-40 % savings on most (planned) trips.
Twice this week I saved 50% at Publix!
I get really happy about that much savings.

The deals that really blew my mind were:8 oz. bags of Kraft cheese $0.66 each ( I got 6 bags)
(regular price is $2.98)

Chocolate cheerios $1.00 and Honey Nut $1.25
(regular price $4.00 per box )

Hellmann's $1.50
(regular price is about $5.00)

This is the one product Carlos specifically asked NOT to give up, no matter what the price...he happily deals with my experimental brands of bodywash and deodorant, but not his toothpaste. I am proud to say that since I started couponing, average cost has been about $1.00 a tube. Not bad for $4.00+ toothpaste.