13th grade.

So, I had to swing by campus today to drop off some papers. Can I just say that it's unnerving to walk across of courtyard of students, half my age, and wonder of they can tell that I'm just so nervous about this.

In high school we referred to this place as "the 13th grade" because after graduation all the mediocre students went there and continued to distract each other from learning. We made fun of it knowing that we had no chance to be accepted anywhere else. We didn't care- we were just lighthearted, goofy kids who thought it wasn't cool to be smart.
-Oh ignorance of youth, how you haunt me.

During the summer after my senior year, I called the admissions office to get some information. The man (who sounded an awful lot like Ben Stein) and I had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: I need to know how to apply. I just graduated from highschool.
The man: Did you take the SAT's
Me: No.
The man: Well, you need to come take the college placement test and see if you will take college classes or remedial classes. How were your grades?
Me: Kinda bad. I don't know if I'll get in.
The man: Do you have a pulse?
Me: Yes
The man: You're in. This is community college.

But even with the man's depreciated opinion of community college- I still felt inadequate. My older brother had just gone to an out of state university and flunked out- among other things. I saw the toll it took on my parents. I was determined not to do that to them. I just wanted to work and earn money, and so I did. I got my own apartment and was married 3 years later. Which brings me to today, 18 years later.

Just driving on campus gave me anxiety. I still feel like that distracted, not quite smart enough girl. I try to hush all the self doubt and listen to the next stage of my life calling me. With each insecure step across the campus, I try to envision myself on my best day as nurse. I'm thankful that my determination is finally stronger than my fear of failure.

It's on, 13th grade.
Bring it.