joy drops.

Today was the first day of fall term. sigh.
My 8th term; feels like 80.
To say the novelty of college has worn off is an understatement.
I walked onto campus feeling more like I was going for a root-canal than for anything good or praiseworthy.
If you're an arrested development fan, (new episodes made me sad) then you'll understand what I mean when I say the charlie brown music was playing and my head was hanging low.
I whispered a quick prayer asking for the Lord to give joy while I finish what I started.
And for a vision into the future because I keep forgetting why I'm doing this.
I keep forgetting that one day it'll be done and I'll be a nurse.

A few minutes later, I'm sitting in my anatomy&physiology II class getting the normal first day talk about expectations and responsibility. Professor O.is my favorite professor, ever.
I listen to her talk and I wonder if I'll ever be as knowledgeable about anything as she is.
Although I have stumped her on a few questions; she's a smart cookie.
Anyway, she started talking about how we don't become nurses on the day they hand us the certificate.  The certificate just makes it official after the work is complete. We're doing the work now, so we're nurses now and we need to start thinking and acting like it. Then she said, (and she might as well have mentioned my name because it felt so personal) "You guys are almost there, it's almost time to start the nursing program." I started believing it.
So I'm sitting there with water coming out of my eyes and joy filling my heart.

I cannot tell you what a relief it was for me. Because the problem, and the cause of the peanuts music playing in my head, was that I've been in school for over 2 years and I don't feel like anything. All this work and nothing.
Truth is, I never believed I would actually reach the first goal of getting my pre-reqs until today. And when I stared believing, I got a joy drop.

At work, we're teaching the kids about the fruits of the spirit. On Sunday, we talked about joy and how it comes from believing God's promises are true.

Believing comes first; joy comes second.  I get it now.

Cathedral

 

My sweetest moments with God happen when I'm just driving home and see a sunset like this one. 

Or if I walk into my foyer at the perfect time and it's set aglow by twilight. I feel like I could explode just from the beauty of it all. 

It's church for me. 

He is the sunset on the water.

He is the song at twilight's glow. 

He is the morning whispers; his breath casting shadows.

In the tiny drops of dew, in the mighty rushing waters, in the ripples of the tide, 

he is speaking. 

-me 

Ways of being

The last several months, I've been experiencing some growing pains. Most days have left me as a human puddle of emotion; explaining to Carlos that I just can't do it ALL anymore. And by ALL, I mean school, work, pets, house, kids, etc.  Just everything. 

Carlos is probably the best person in the world to fall apart around. He's a safe place, he's the very definition of compassion, and he's hilarious. Which matters because laughter is the best medicine.  Anyway, Carlos is amazing and I don't deserve him. 

I digress. 

So basically, I've been a hot mess. And asking God to show me what to do. And by asking, I mean begging.

Here's the deal, everything I hear back starts with BE instead of DO. 

Yup, it's all about being. 

Being pure of negative thoughts and words. Being sweet. Being strong. Being diligent. Being patient. 

So often we want a change, or a solution, or immediate results. We want to DO something to make things better. And while getting a degree is definitely doing something, there's no part of it that's fast or easy, so meanwhile, you've got to find ways to cope. You have to figure how to function while your whole life is on hold yet going strong at the same time. 

The only way I've half-way figured it out is to be patient. I mean really be patient in the depths of my heart, a total surrender to this season. Because its going to take a long time and its going to be hard. I just have to trust that it's also going to be worth it. 

Perhaps what I've realized is while I'm getting my degree in nursing, I'm also getting my degree in patience. I happen to think they're equally valuable, and equally challenging. 

And I've learned I need to be intentional in both being and doing.  

Until next time,  I'm patiently yours 

~ ht

Till there was you.

Today, I was sitting in the courtyard at college when a huge group of people, (I found out later they were the choir) started gathering and lining up. When they first started singing (the very same moment I figured out they were a choir.) I braced myself for some low quality dorky-ness. 12 seconds later, I had tears in my eyes from the sheer beauty of the voices and harmony.

I'm getting old.

I knew the song well- till there was you, from the music man. I probably saw that movie one hundred times as a kid.
I was completely obsessed with Marian the librarian. A few years ago, I learned that Marian was actually several months pregnant during the filming and they squeezed her belly with a girdle. Nice, huh?

Hearing that song was the most uplifting part of my day.
My eyes are welling up now just thinking about it.
I need more of those moments in my life.

Till There Was You
-from The Music Man

There were bells on the hill
But I never heard them ringing,
No, I never heard them at all
Till there was you.

There were birds in the sky,
But I never saw them winging,
No, I never saw them at all
Till there was you.

And there was music,
And there were wonderful roses,
They tell me,
In sweet fragrant meadows of dawn, and dew.

There was love all around
But I never heard it singing
No, I never heard it at all
Till there was you.

I break for BONO.

Well, It's spring break.

sigh.

A week off from classes may save me from an emotional breakdown.
Time will be the tell on that one.
I'm so tired of writing about college like it's the only thing going on in my life.
Because it isn't.

The other day, I listened to Rattle and Hum in the car.
Every time I listen to that record, it ignites something in me.
A brief back story, Rattle and Hum was not only a record, it was documentary movie
about U2 that came out in the late 80's.
I remember it being my first real exposure to BONO and the boys and I was, to say the least, spellbound.
Around that same time, my older brother started driving us siblings to school.
He was and insane driver and an avid U2 fan.
Everyday it was the same, U2.
The Joshua Tree, Rattle and Hum, The Unforgettable Fire.
I remember having those songs in my head (and heart) all the time.
We weren't allowed to talk in the car; if we did, he'd only turn the music up louder.
So I just listened; while holding on for dear life.
The early records were kind of angry, war protesting, anti-poverty.
Bono used his platform to expose injustices, corruption, and to speak up for equal rights.
And even at the ripe-old-age of 14, I got it.
I got BONO.

Fast forward a few decades and when I listen to those records, especially Rattle and Hum, I remember who I really am. You know, deep down inside.
I'm a fighter. I'm an advocate. And I believe in love.

The thing about getting older is that we change.
Different experiances shape us and we alter ourselves.
Sometimes in good ways, sometimes in not so good ways.
One thing I've realized lately is I've turned into a wuss.
You see, all my life, people told me they didn't know how to take me.
People thought I was intimidating and too honest.
So I changed.
But in my attempt to soften the edges, I lost something important.
A lost a little too much of my fight.
And now I need it back because I really don't believe in myself at all.
I find myself asking for permission to be me.
I find myself cowering when I should take the lead.
And you know what?  I'm done with that.

I have Rattle and Hum to thank for my internal revival.
I'm not saying I won't backslide and ever question myself again.
But when I hear BONO doing what he does best, it brings out the fighter in me.
His gift is to melt defenses while simultaneously getting his point across.
He has this list of what's important to him, and he just fights for it.
And he doesn't apologize because he doesn't need to.

I think to myself, I can do that, too.
I can raise my kids,
And love my husband.
And work 30 hours a week.
And go to class.
And be grumpy sometimes.
And clean my house.
And do my homework.
And laugh with my friends.
And be unorganized.
And stand up for what is right.
And make a difference.

Same song, different lyrics.
Im writing my own story, BONO style.

I've been wanting to sit and write for so long now. Maybe get a nice iced coffee and sit on the front stoop with my laptop.
The problem is, my studies have basically catapulted me into mad-scientist status. I walk around with anatomy terms and algebraic formulas swirling in my head, and it hasn't left room for much else.
I miss writing though, I miss free time.

Today, I was clearing a desk of miscellaneous papers when I saw my 20 year reunion invitation laying there. I have no plans to attend, just so we're clear on that.
But 20 years? Time goes so quickly, and slowly at the same time.

I'm not going to lie, I've thought of quitting school.
I just can't quit, though.
If I do by best and fail, that'll be different.
All I have to give is my best.
If I end up succeeding, I'll be more surprised than anyone (In a good way.)

But like I always say, there's only one to find out, and it's to proceed.

A few months ago, I wrote about my uncle, David.
Shortly after that, he fell ill.
His lungs were failing; he was wracked with infection.
I never had the guts to go see him in the hospital. I'm a wimp, really.
It broke my heart enough to see him walking down the street, and how much he'd aged, and how little I knew him. I just couldn't bring myself to go see him. It seems silly, but I just couldn't do it.

On thanksgiving day, my mom was down for a visit. She had seen David the day before and was showing us some pictures. She was marveling at how much he's improved since he was transferred to a rehab facility. Alexandria saw the picture and her eyes filled with tears. She hyperventilated, the way she does she she sees a bunny or something else that melts her heart. She announced that he was adorable and she wanted to meet him, and that he looked like Bob Dylan (she's obsessed.) She just fell in love with that picture of her great-uncle, who I call the original hipster. Alexandria has always been braver than me, and occasionally it challenges me. With every bit of dread in my soul, I agreed to go.

Once we were there, I had no idea why I waited so long. He greeted us, and scarfed down the piece of pumpkin pie we brought him. He apologized for eating in front of us (heart melt.) He was asking my mom what had happened to him; he was trying to piece together the last few months.
Everything he said was so adorable to me. It's this strange mix of insanity and sincerity that equals this beautiful vulnerability. We talked for a while and then he asked for someone to please bring him some shampoo. I could tell how badly he wanted to wash his hair, and strangely, in that moment, I realized how alike we are.  If there's one thing I hate, it's the minute I've gone too long without washing my hair. There's basic human needs that bind us together, like a clean scalp; even more, we share the same blood.

Something happened in my heart during that visit. The only way I can describe it is a renewed love. For him, for family, for the process of taking care of one another.

Sadly, he's taken a turn for the worse and is now in hospice care. I've been at his bedside, and I'll return again later today. It's an honor to be there and help in any way I can. He's barely hanging on, but you can feel that he is a fighter and he incredibly, incredibly strong. I am in awe of him and of my uncle Brad, aunt Kacie, and my mother. They're all doing what they can for their beloved brother.
When it all comes down, love is everything we need.

Like a river to a raindrop, I lost a friend.

 HBD, Eric.  I miss you.

Fake it till you make it.

If all goes well, I'll be applying for the nursing program this time next year.
I almost can't admit that there's an end in sight; that I'm so close to my goal, I can taste it.
It feels like I'm being too vulnerable, and a part of me wants to make a disclaimer statement. You know, just incase something goes wrong.

I met with an advisor last week and she broke down the classes I still need over the next three terms.
There it was on paper; no denying that I'm making progress.
She made a big fuss over my 4.0. I had to force myself to take the compliment. I really wanted to tell her that I'm just faking it. That none of this is real.
Wouldn't that have been funny?!

Truth is, the writing based courses were so easy, I can't imagine not getting a A's. It's these science based courses that I'm worried about. I could write papers about Roman culture , or Sigmund Freud's theories all day, but understanding carbon bonds and the breakdown of complex fatty acids? What, what?

A nurse midwife I used to work with told me she faked her way through nursing school without ever learning how to take blood pressure. She said one day it just clicked for her, but until that point, she had to fake it.

That example has kept me in the game. Everybody learns in a different way; meanwhile, we have to make ourselves fit into the box when necessary.
I was born a nurse, I've always been a nurse at heart.
The rest is just a technicality.
And I'm gonna fake it till I make it.

we just needed an outing.

Tonight, after dinner and a day full of homework and housekeeping, my daughter and I walked to the corner coffee shop for some of their famous cake.  The shop is called 3 layers in homage to their sky-high southern style cakes.  And trust me, they are worth the (almost) five dollars a slice.  

Anyway, my daughter isn't good at staying home all day, she thrives on the hustle bustle of life.  I'm the exact opposite, so sometimes we have to compromise.  She has to compromise a lot more since I started school and weekends are devoted to studying. 

But I needed a break and she needed an outing, so off we went.  

I could feel the heaviness of her heart, for whatever worries she had in the moment; all set ablaze by cabin fever.  Sometimes it's hard to be a 15 year old girl, you know? 

We didn't talk much on the walk, her enthusiasm level was basically flat lined.   

But I could feel the night air filling my soul and I figured she could, too.  

I could hear kids playing in back yards and people laughing on their porches.

The breeze was blowing around a bouquet of dinner smells; the sound of clanking dishes echoed from kitchen windows.  

It was open mic nite at the coffee shop, but then again, it's always open mic nite at 3 layers.  

It was a sweet little man doing the best he could; I don't remember what he was singing.

  

We got our cake to go, orange slice and chocolate espresso. yum. 

While we were waiting, we saw our neighbor and friend, Daniel.

My brother's house is 2 doors down, but he didn't appear to be home, so we kept walking.

On the way back home, more neighbors said hello.

It had gotten darker, so you could see the inside of the beautiful houses that line my street.  

The banisters, the art hanging on the walls, I try not to be a stalker, but it's hard not to look.  

As we walked with our ten dollars worth of cake, I felt like a million dollars. 

I love our neighborhood so much. 

Meanwhile, my daughter's steps got a little springier, and later the cake helped everything, too.

It was a win/win situation.  

My dad used to always say, "when spirits are low, you just need an outing." 

It's so true.  

somebody's someone

Today, I saw my uncle, David, walking down the street.
I hadn't seen him in over 8 years, but I instantly knew it was him.  His posture, his frame, the way he walks is trademark.  I'd know him a mile away.

We were driving pretty fast down a busy expressway, so I couldn't stop to say hello.
He was hunched over and tired looking, he has aged quite a bit, too.
It made me sad in the depths of my heart;
there was my uncle walking down the street like a pauper.
Truth is, he's a brilliant mind with a trust fund,
but I'm sure he's mistaken for a homeless person. I'm sure people are mean to him.
It breaks my heart to think of what his life has been like, especially in contrast to all the other Stetsons.

I have two uncles named David, but this one happens to be schizophrenic.
My mom always told me it was from him doing too many drugs in the 60's.
But we'll never know for sure if that's true.
When he first starting showing signs of mental illness, my memaw was advised to institutionalize him.
In that time, it was just what happened.
I know she felt guilty, what mother wouldn't?
But she was a widow, and his meltdowns really scared her.

He was always a part of family holidays and visits.
He'd always lurk in the outskirts of whatever was going on; he was always a little nervous.
The way he'd ask permission to have a glass of champagne, or a cigarette, always made me sad.
I was very sensitive to the fact that he was, and always would be, treated like a child.
In fact, he used to sit with us at the kids' table on Thanksgiving and Christmas, but we didn't mind.

He kept us guessing as to what he'd say next.  

And his stories were always worth re-tellig to my friends.  

I don't think he ever made it to the adult table, poor guy. 

Memaw always worried about what would become of him after she died.
My uncle Brad has done an outstanding job with his care.
Over the years, he seemed to enjoy family events less and less.
He just likes to do his own thing;
I don't really blame him.
I'm not sure if he'd even know me anymore.

Any mother will tell you that her children are an extension of her heart, and
I felt that today as I passed by him.
There was a living, breathing part of my memaw.
He's distant and broken, like a mixture of  a cowboy and vagabond.
He looks like he's walked a thousand miles in the desert, but he's hers.
And in that same breath, he's mine.
He is my family.

Kinda changes my perspective on all the displaced people I see around my neighborhood.
They are somebody's someone, too.

Live to tell.

It was a close call, but I survived the move!

We've been happily living in our house on walnut street for a month, and I love it more everyday.
All I can say is, what a difference an additional 800 square feet makes to a family of 5!
Everyone has seemed to benefit from the extra space, even the dogs.

We're the kind of people who get sick of the same scenery after a while; moving downtown was medicine for sure. I don't think I'll ever get sick of it down here. I seriously can't imagine living anywhere else.