Fixing Bonnie.

this goes out to Chris.

If you know me, you know that back to school week is the bane of my existence.

I cannot begin to tell you how expensive and time consuming it is to get all the pencils, pens, rulers, calculators, binders, dividers, markers, crayons, water colors, index cards, hand sanitizer, scissors, sharpies, lunch boxes, backpacks, shoes, socks, clothes, etc.

Just when you think you've gotten everything, there's always one more thing.

And there's always something you can't find.

The first few days seem like we're on a wing and a prayer; even more than my everyday life that also feels like we're on a wing and prayer.

The kids had new schools the last 2 years and that's always rough.

It's just a stressful week; like shopping-at-Walmart-on-Christmas-eve-times-a-hundred.

Abraham had a major growth spurt over the summer,

so very little of what I bought at the used uniform sale still fit.

We went shopping today to fix the problem.

There's exactly one store in town that sells for our school.

Back in the corner, the pants were arranged on floor-to-ceiling shelves with some cryptic labeling system. There were also rows of shelves across the length of the room; perfect for the salespeople to drape themselves over and have personal conversations.

After a few minutes of trying to figure out what sizes were where, I noticed that the two salesgirls had finished their talk. I smiled at one girl as a cue that I needed help and I asked her where the 12's were.

Still draped over the shelf, and with the speed and enthusiasm of a baby sloth, she raised her arm and pointed at the wall of shelves. I was set aback, but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. I leaned into the general area of her point. She said, "see that sign that says 10? Look up."

Yeah, not my favorite, but I'm still kinda going along at this point.

I picked them up and they looked really small. I asked her if they had other cuts because I had seen on the website that they had several available.

This is when things started to really go downhill because she rolled her eyes at me.

I remember looking at her name tag, and seeing BONNIE. I didn't really process the words that came out of her mouth after that.

She said something about pleats, and kinda formed a question while still exuding overall annoyance.

Miss Bonnie knew she was in trouble when she saw me smile and tilt my head to answer whatever halfhearted question she had asked me.

Aiya tells me it's creepy when I smile even though I'm mad.

I'm sure Bonnie agrees.

I said, "you know what, if you don't want to help us I'll find someone else who will."

I was so shocked, but I didn't have the life force in me to even argue.

She started walking towards me and sputtering, "um...no...I."

I simply said "no" and kept looking through the pants.

She was right beside me when she suddenly became helpful and offered another question,

I cut her off by saying, "nope, don't worry about it."

I mean, I shut her down.

I felt her attitude deflating like a punctured balloon spirals to the ground.

I wasn't even mad anymore. My job was done.

I heard her sigh, and I walked away to the dressing rooms;

my family of 4 following closely behind.

I had to walk back over and I kid you not, Bonnie was being the employee of the month.

I'm glad the other patrons had the benefit of the new and awakened Bonnie.

It was my contribution for the day.

I'm seriously the nicest customer a clerk could ask for, but I will not tolerate rudeness.

full circle.

Another school year is underway.

This time of year gave me butterflies for all of my childhood,

and again once Alexandria started Pre-K in 2002.

Today was different.

Today was another homecoming.

This was Alexandria and Abraham's school until we moved.

The halls are literally memory lane.

Time is frozen.

I expect to turn the corner and see them be 4 and 7 again.

They were so sweet and tiny.

I left so much in the dust when we moved.

Not just people and places.

Not just things.

But dreams and hopes.

And a big part of my soul.

For years, I couldn't even think about it without having an emotional reaction.

I think that's called post traumatic stress.

But that's all over now.

I love this school.

It has always been what I've dreamed for my kids, and it was really hard to leave it behind.

I mourned the beloved teachers who comforted when morning goodbyes were too much to bear.

The ones who validated my suspicions that my children are brilliant.

The ones that put on mothers' day breakfasts that were fit for a queen.

The ones who I trusted to make my kids feel just as special as my early teachers made me feel.

There is love in the air at this school, and you don't find that just anywhere.

As I walked over to pick up Matthew, 3 words danced around in my mind.

I might have even been whispering them to myself, but I don't even care.

"Dream come true, dream come true, dream come true," is all I could think or hear.

I was walking in a dream; only it was real.

I am overcome with gratitude.

A.

Just to follow up on the last post, I got an A in my English Composition class!

I drove all the way to campus yesterday with the kids to pick up my test score, but it wasn't ready. I at least got a 38 out of 54. yay!

Alexandria noticed immediately that the campus looked like a mall.

It had been a mall in the 80's and 90's; full of ritzy, overpriced stores that quickly went out of business.

It's like the graveyard of broken retail dreams turned kinda cool campus with awesome Mac computers in the library and its very own subway restaurant.

Speaking of Subway, they have really good cookies.

Anyway, fall term starts in 25 days. I'm taking 3 classes this time.

one down.

Well, I did it. I finished my first college course.

It was a million times easier than I thought it would be, but it was an English class and I do speak English. Nevertheless, it's a milestone.

I got a perfect score on all 5 essays, so I got at least a C as a total grade.

I definitely missed a few on the final exam, but I don't know how many yet.

I can proof and punctuate sentences 'til the cows come home, but memorizing grammar rules is the challenge.

And it always seems like what I study the most is the smallest portion of the test.

I really hate that.

There is something about my reasoning process that is slightly screwed up.

I'm too indecisive and it gets my head all cloudy.

Anyway, I might get an A.

I'm going to be sad if I get a B.

I still have a month of the night class that reminds me of traffic school.

It's a class where we discuss things like studying instead of partying and other forms of effective decision making.

please y'all, I'm 36.

There are some pretty colorful characters in there.

I hate it pretty bad.

A pack of skittles from the vending machine is the only thing that keeps me from jumping out the window!

j/k, that's hyperbole, the fancy word for exaggerating, and not among the forms of effective communication. chapter 7; page 136.

copy cat.

I'm copying a friend by doing a favorite things post. I'm just feeling very blah today and I need to lighten things up. I have no reason to be in a bad mood; I think I just miss free time. I also feel overwhelmed by the annual back-to-school spending marathon/emotional fallout of my kids being another year closer to adulthood. ANYWAY, I feel like making a top 10 list is a good idea.

• Burt's bees lip balm. I'd be lost without it. enough said.
• tea tree oil. mixed with water and a few drops of non-mineral baby oil, it becomes the perfect antiseptic solution for bug bites, scrapes, skin irritations, etc. I also occasionally simmer tea tree oil in water to cleanse the air.
• iced coffee! Oh my gosh. I love iced coffee in the summertime. I brew double strength coffee, (pour over method) to the bottom line of my reusable starbucks cup. Add two teaspoons of turbinado, a splash of half & half, and ice to the top. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. Cafe Do Ponto, a brazilian coffee, is hands down the best.
• my starbucks reusable cup. It is a part of me. I can't let go.
• mini york peppermint patties. heaven on earth. the best way to eat one is in a million tiny bites.
• eye lash curler. I am 36 and I just bought my first eye lash curler. I have used one before, but not in years. All I can say is WOW! It makes a really big difference! I actually have nice lashes. <3
• MacBook. My dad bought me a MacBook when I started college and I love it! It's my first Mac and I'm a fan. I had no idea how much time I'd be spending on my computer doing homework, and It's just made my life so much easier. It's great to read the occasional blog and watch movies.
• Twitter. It's the perfect little social outlet for me. I've detoxed from facebook and feel a thousand times better about my life. I could elaborate, but I'll spare you the details.
• college. I've needed to do it for a long time. I'm 100% sure it was the right decision for me. I love the challenge and having something to really put my heart into.
• Havaianas. I'm a flip-flop girl and that will probably never change. They're my favorite because they're so sturdy; you don't feel like you're walking on a piece of foam. The designs are usually adorable- leave it to the Brazilians to come up with everything.

For them.

I'm not going to lie, having 3 kids on summer break, working 30 hours and taking 10 hours of classes a week isn't always easy. It's been somewhat easier than I thought it would be, but the worse part is feeling like my kids are having a boring summer break.

Today, I took them to work with me from 9-11:30, so they wouldn't be home alone all morning.

I rushed to get lunch and drop them off before my 12:30 class.

I gave Alexandria the house keys and watched them walk towards the house, fast food lunch in tow.

I felt so guilty in that moment.

Something I really don't like about our house is that the front door is not visible from the street. I couldn't see if they had gotten in, and I hated myself for not just taking the time to walk them to the door. I hate feeling like I'm putting other things before my kids; It just goes against everything in me.

I called Abraham, and he informed me that they got in, locked the door behind them, and let the dog out back. I told him that I was just checking and to be good. Then, in typical Abraham fashion he said something that made me laugh. He said: "ok, you be good, too, and stay in school." What a funny guy. A funny, sweet, intuitive guy.

So I went to class, rushed, overwhelmed, mommy guilt in tow.

I waited almost 30 minutes for the professor to get there.

sigh.

Our warm up was to write about something that we'd rather be doing than be in class.

I wrote about how I'd rather be out enjoying summer with my kids, but how they seem to know that I'm doing this for them.

for future family vacations.

for car insurance when they're 16.

for senior cap and gowns.

for college.

for wedding cakes.

For them.

graded

I got my first graded paper back today.

I knew it was coming; I had been stewing over it all weekend.

The 3 hour class was almost over when he finally passed them out.

The professor is super methodical and almost ceremonial; which I happen to love.

He spent about 20 minutes reviewing the codes we might find on our graded paper.

Things such as: a circle for an error inside of a sentence, and upside down cross for a run-on, frag for a fragmented sentence. Wrdy was code for wordy, and awk was code for awkward; I think that I am probably both of those things most of the time.

He reminded us of the 20 point grading system where only a 19 & 20 are an A.

My palms were sweating as I envisioned my paper doused with marks and red ink.

I kept telling myself that this is just my first essay, it's a learning experience.

Originally, I thought I had done well, but my confidence was waining, and for the first time his over-explaining was really getting on my nerves. I wanted my paper!

Finally he began to pass them out; mine was probably the 4th one. I looked over the first page; it had no codes. The second page had no codes. The third page, again, no codes. At this point, I was very confused. Finally, on the last page I saw this:

I still cant quite believe it.

I could feel the dread of the guy next to me who got a D; I've been there a time or two. The professor walked around and gave people feedback. I felt as if the room was spinning. I've never gotten a perfect score on something as subjective as an essay. It was surreal.

I worked really, really hard on this paper. It was a very personal topic. I read it so many times that I absolutely hated it. I turned it in because I had to. I got it back and now it makes me proud.

It feels really nice to get a good grade.

the end.

a new title.

I'm thinking about retiring this blog and starting a new one. This one just feels obsolete for where my life is now. I used to be consumed with having (wiggly) small children, and working retail. Now, I have a teenager, a pre-teen, and one who’s still kind of little (but will no longer hold my hand in public.) I'm also a student. God only knows if I’ll even have time to blog; I may post my essays if I feel brave enough.

Coming up with a title is challenging, I don't really have another catchy title. I know I’ll always be earth momma, but what does earth momma do when her babies grow up? Well, I’m going to help other people have babies! After my second week of school, once I demystified the “monster” of higher education, I increased the projection of my future. I’m pretty sure I’ll be a midwife one day. Grandma Stella always told me that my great-grandmother, Delilah, was a lay-midwife. I sure wish I had more information about her.

I’m working towards having a career basically for the sake of necessity, but a part of me will always be that girl hanging cloth diapers on the line, while breastfeeding a baby in a sling. A part of me really only wants to do that for the rest of my life. Alas, I had my glory days, I played, I napped, I nursed, and I pushed the stroller for miles on end. I did the baby thing, and it’s just not something that can last forever- unless you happen to be Mrs. Duggar.

It’s a new day- and I feel up for it.

baby ham.

I don't even have the wherewithal to find/scan/post a baby picture of Abraham, but trust me, from the day he was born he was an absolute explosion of cuteness.

Abraham- age 4

I could have made a million dollars off those dimples.

Abraham- age 11

And he's got a cleft chin, like Bono.

(If my brother was here, he'd point out that both traits are considered birth defects )

Today, he finished Elementary school.

6 years have vanished like a vapor.

Most of his teachers were outstanding and I'm very thankful for that.

He's made A or A/B honor roll, and A conduct for his entire life.

Now he's on to middle school.

I'm so proud, and a little sad that he's growing up so fast.

my double portion.

I'm sitting here, as a storm rolls in, trying to relax before I head off to class for the first time.
I have a pit in my stomach, and a lump in my throat.
A pit, because I'm nervous.
A lump, because I'm overcome with emotion from the events of the day.

At 1:44 a.m., I got the call that I've been waiting for.

Kelly was in labor, baby Ephraim was coming.
Even at that early hour, the timing felt so perfect.

No conflicts with school, or work, or the kids. Just perfect timing.

I don't think its an accident that I attended a birth on the very day I start school (with the intent to become a L&D nurse). I haven't doulaed a birth in 4 years.

I felt that today was a vision of my future- a prize to keep my eyes on.

Baby Ephraim wasn't even born yet and he was already fulfilling his name- a double portion, or blessing.

First, he's a blessing just because he's awesome. and squishy. and perfect.

Second, he's a blessing because he came into the world bringing vision and promise.

Something happened in my heart today at the birth, and it's just one of those things that can only be described as divine. Not only did I get to attend a beautiful birth, which happens to be my favorite thing, I got an impartation.

Ephraim and me, we've got something real special.

And when we had a little moment to talk, it was like he was saying

"Hi, Aunt Holly, today is a big day for both of us."

And he made me feel like I can definitely do it.

And he made me realize that I'm really going to love it.

if theres one thing this team has:

it's paper napkins, and slushies.

While I was planning the baby shower, one of the things I had mentioned to my friend, Rachel, is that I wished I had a "paper napkin drawer." It's just one of those last minute details that's a burden to make an extra trip for. Being the precious one that she is, Rachel started me a supply- and it's kind of grown from there. It's funny how the little things can make you feel better about your life.
I usually get the kids a slush after school. Between the 3 kids, I probably spend $15- $20 a week on drinks. Plus, the added annoyance of a car full of straw wrappers and empty cups.

We are HUGE sonic happy hour fans, HOWEVER, I found out that Kangaroo has a deal that if you buy a reusable cup, you get free refills all summer. I can not pass up a bargain like that, I just can't! Sorry, Sonic.

And the backslidden environmentalist that I am feels better, too.

You would not even believe how many times Abraham has thanked me for his cup. It's always the middle child who makes you feel like a good mom- for very little effort.

God bless all the middle children of the world.

The napkins and cups are reminding me of how amazing it feels to be prepared. If I take this approach to more areas of my life, imagine how happy I'll be.

being born.

Matthew had to write an autobiography at school.

He told me "I wrote that I was born at home, in a baby pool, and my friend said that was impossible, that all babies have to be born at the hospital. I told him that you probably took me to the hospital after I was born."

So I explained to Matthew that his birth was assisted by a very well qualified midwife, and because everything went perfectly, we didn't go to the hospital. He listened attentively as I told him that something like 80% of the world's births are out-of-hopital births, but some babies absolutely need to be born at the hospital. Home birth is a very safe choice when given the appropriate medical care, and the midwife is sure that momma and baby are healthy.

So, then he says "oh, so I was born at home because you didn't want me to get any shots? And I was born in a baby pool because you just really wanted us to have a baby pool?"

Yes, Matthew. That is exactly why I had you at home.

But seriously, while we are on the subject...my home birth was one of the best experiences of my life. All of my children's births were life changing, but having Matthew without intervention was the best mothering decision I've ever made.

It was my mountaintop moment with God.

Trust birth, y'all.