More archives.

I think this one is from this time last year. I'm so glad I don't work retail management anymore. I remember being constantly overwhelmed. I'm not anymore. Praise!
(And I'm sure the drama had to do with work.)

So, the last few days, I've been reveling in the quiet. After a few weeks of the earth spinning way to fast, I'm just enjoying life being at a slower pace. The kids are out if school for spring break, I have a light week at work- It's just nice. Home-cooked meals and some 90's U2, seem to be just what the doctor ordered. I'm a totally different person when I get to do only what I want to do... aren't we all?

It's a funny thing, being in my mid-thirties, everything changes. Especially in the way of dealing with drama. I'm taking names if you know what I mean. I'm not playing around anymore. I'm okay if people don't like what I have to say, maybe they shouldn't have asked me what I thought in the first place.

Oprah warned me this would happen.

archives.

I ran across this in my large list of unpublished posts.
I thought it was kinda sweet...

I've been working a ton, and just having the general feeling of running behind on everything.
I really hate that feeling.
I never painted this picture in my mind when I dreamed of my life.
I saw it more slow, and glowy.

I always wonder what days my kids will remember. I have random spotty memories of my childhood.
I remember my mom calling me in for dinner, on those hot Georgia nights. I was always outside, picking pecans and whatnot.
Always getting bitten by fire ants.
As I sat down at the table (the same one that's in my kitchen right now) my mom always pulled my hair back, her hands felt so cold on my neck- that was the best feeling in the world.
She didn't even know.

Those are the kind of things I remember.

Until we get there.

Ive been thinking a lot about how difficult it is to raise a melancholy child.
Being a melancholy person myself, I understand why he feels the way he does, but I also see what a drag it is to be so negative.

Although I'm thankful that I come from community of people who would take a bullet before they'd make a negative confession, it always seemed to me that the extremes of positivity undermines reality. In my adult life I've implemented more of a "keeping it real" approach- although I do believe in the power of words.
I'm teaching my son to use restraint in verbalizing negativity but I don't expect him to be some kind of name.it.and.claim.it robot.
I'm constantly teaching him to look for the good,
the happy,
the beautiful.

Maybe one day I can write a best selling book about parenting a melancholy child- I'm going to call it "Raising Eeyore." ©
I guess I'll probably have to pay royalties to Christopher Robin.

Good parenting teaches the child to balance what nature gave them with the laws of nature. Good parenting also has to be custom fit to each child's learning style, love language, and personality type. If parents fall short, their kids feel it for the rest of their lives.

No big deal.

I'm still sorting stuff out and I'm 36. I'm still learning why I react to things the way I do, and what sparks certain feelings. We all need healing in one way or another. Until we get there, there's a lot of insult on injury- and people don't even know. Some issues are a matter of personality and some are circumstance. A lot of it is our own expectations being to high for ourselves and for others.

We will figure it out one day- just in time to share priceless tidbits with our grandchildren. We'll be the quiet champions that have all the answers- but know it best to let them learn for themselves.

Until we get there...

Sigh.

13th grade.

So, I had to swing by campus today to drop off some papers. Can I just say that it's unnerving to walk across of courtyard of students, half my age, and wonder of they can tell that I'm just so nervous about this.

In high school we referred to this place as "the 13th grade" because after graduation all the mediocre students went there and continued to distract each other from learning. We made fun of it knowing that we had no chance to be accepted anywhere else. We didn't care- we were just lighthearted, goofy kids who thought it wasn't cool to be smart.
-Oh ignorance of youth, how you haunt me.

During the summer after my senior year, I called the admissions office to get some information. The man (who sounded an awful lot like Ben Stein) and I had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: I need to know how to apply. I just graduated from highschool.
The man: Did you take the SAT's
Me: No.
The man: Well, you need to come take the college placement test and see if you will take college classes or remedial classes. How were your grades?
Me: Kinda bad. I don't know if I'll get in.
The man: Do you have a pulse?
Me: Yes
The man: You're in. This is community college.

But even with the man's depreciated opinion of community college- I still felt inadequate. My older brother had just gone to an out of state university and flunked out- among other things. I saw the toll it took on my parents. I was determined not to do that to them. I just wanted to work and earn money, and so I did. I got my own apartment and was married 3 years later. Which brings me to today, 18 years later.

Just driving on campus gave me anxiety. I still feel like that distracted, not quite smart enough girl. I try to hush all the self doubt and listen to the next stage of my life calling me. With each insecure step across the campus, I try to envision myself on my best day as nurse. I'm thankful that my determination is finally stronger than my fear of failure.

It's on, 13th grade.
Bring it.

i bake.

Lately, I have an obsession with baking.
It's so therapeutic for me.
It's usually how I usher in the weekend.
I just forget everything for a while,
and try to create something yummy.
I love having something homemade to offer my children after school.
I love that they prefer my baking to anything store bought.

Baking makes me feel like the mom I always wanted to be.

Recovery.

I've just been writing, and erasing, and writing, these thoughts that are swirling through my sleepy head tonight.
I've felt so emotionally blocked lately. I need a really good cry, and it just won't come- which is quite the contrast to my being able to fill buckets of tears on demand for the complete calendar year of 2010.
January 2010 was when the "stuff" started hitting the fan.
That's when my baby brother's life started falling apart. That's also when I became aware that your heart can break so hard, you feel like you're dying. I've never hurt like that before.

I'll never again be the person I was before last year.
My life, my family, my heart is forever changed.
I'm still feeling some emotional side effects, I routinely go into shutdown mode, and I feel kinda rejected when people don't even notice that I need them. I just have to reach deep for my self-sufficientcy. I've never really been able to pull off being needy, and I'm okay with that.

Sometimes, when I'm inside the space of my family's new dynamic, and I really stop to think about it- it's just too much. Way too much to handle.
But then, like magic, I feel the grace.
The grace of enduring love.
I feel the courage to let go of all the nagging injustices.
I hear the breaths of relief, and see sore eyes light up when life feels normal again.

I'm so lucky to see, and feel these little everyday miracles.
The mystery of grace, the beauty of redemption... It's ours for the taking.
And we have our dignity intact.

I feel so proud of us.

starting.

I want to start blogging again, however with most everything else in life, I don’t really know where to start.
I constantly tell myself that it's really not hard to start. I just need to start.
That simple philosophy has gotten me almost completely enrolled for summer term at the local community college. (woot!)
It hasn't quite been the medicine to help me study math, in hopes of earning a better score on the college placement test. (ugh.)
I think I need REAL medicine for that.

It would really be awesome to not take a remedial math course, especially considering that I'm 36. I had to wait til summer to get in-state tuition, and meanwhile I was supposed to be studying.
I really tried to- but my thoughts always end up wandering off.

Studying has the same effect on me as sitting at a red light.
What starts off as an honest attempt to watch the light- ends up being a daydream interrupted by honking.
I know that once I can get into the actual nursing classes I will be fine.
I can focus on stuff that interests me.
So, I just have to figure out a way to math my new favorite thing.

math is my new favoite thing.

and many more...

It was Abraham's birthday last Thursday. We made plans for a sleepover with the cousins, I made cupcakes, got balloons, and wrapped gifts.

The night was full of laughter, wii games, and plenty of sugar. Excitement was in the air from 4 boys who absolutely love to be together. It's always kind of amazed me how much kids love their cousins even if they don't see each other very often. It's the love of family that's just inherently there.

It was well into the evening when I realized it was his first birthday back home, with family I just stood there for a minute and reflected. Reflected on the birthdays when he seem lonely. Reflected on how much he appreciates every little thing. Reflected on answered prayers. I just stood there and soaked it all up- I listened to beauty of the moment.

My boy is 11. I don't even remember my life without him. From the night he was born, actually, even in the womb, he's been a calming force in my life...it's probably a good thing, because my other two are very demanding.

I really love you, Abraham...and I'm glad you had a happy birthday.

Why?

I find myself asking Alexandria that question a lot. I have been since she was old enough to talk. She used to answer in her slightly hyper and breathy voice- "just betuz" or "betuz i thought about it, and I just besided (decided) to do it."

The reasons I ask are always different...could be that she drew all over her hands with a sharpie, could be that she's wearing a masquerade mask to the grocery store, could be that she painted my desk with whiteout. (she's done all these things in the last 6 months.) I'm no sure why I ask why, but I always do. The stuff she does puzzles me on the deepest levels. It's been this way forever, she just does random things all.the.time. It drives me crazy, yet I kinda like it. She keeps me guessing.

Maybe one day she'll give me an answer...although I kinda already know. It's because she's Alexandria and/or because she thought about it, and she just decided to do it.

merry, merry.

It's Christmas eve, and I'm have a BBQ lunch with the family. On the way here, Carlos secretly mouthed words "just let them open one gift tonight." There's no way there opening a gift tonight- now that they're older the gifts are fewer yet way higher in cost. I know it's not about gifts, but I want them to feel like they got enough. I want the unwrapping experience to last for more than two minutes. I want their Christmas to be magic.

We're staying home this year for the first time in forever. It's bittersweet- I love the downtime, but I miss my family. I'm just trying to breathe and rest, because it's going to be awhile before I have a week off again.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

taking it. and leaving it.

So, my 36th birthday is Sunday and this one is hitting me kinda hard. I know I'm not old- but I'm not that young anymore either. Being officially beyond my mid 30's is slightly depressing...especially because I haven't met
several goals that I set a long, long time ago. But way more importantly than that, there are many things that just keep getting better and better. I definitely enjoy the confidence that comes with age- I kinda like knowing who I am. As much as I miss having little kids, I LOVE having older kids that are extremely self sufficient...and a having a teenager/insta-sitter is just swirly pink icing on the cupcake. I love running to the store by myself, or having an impromptu frozen yogurt date with Carlos. I'm okay with the fact that I don't have a ton of friends, I'd just rather have a few really good ones. There's finally no more obsessing about people who have more stuff than me- like bigger houses, better cars, cuter clothes. At the end of the day, I wouldn't want anybody else's life. I don't want what isn't mine.

I was talking to a younger mom tonight about my being anti-social...I think she thought I was apologizing- I wasn't, at all. I'd chose to hang out with my family over most any social event...It's just who I am. Take it or leave it.

I think that's what being thirty-something is all about...being able to say "take it or leave it" and really meaning it.

So, although smile lines, and the onset of hot flashes is by far not my favorite...I'm just gonna take it- theres not a lot I can do about it. But what I can do is keep learning and reaching out. I'm going to enjoy being me. And if all goes as planned, I'm going to be a nurse by the time I'm 40.

Here goes nothing.





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

the one where I tell you that I miss Alabama

I really haven't wanted to exhaust myself by writing this post. I wanted to stay in the honeymoon faze of being home forever. I didn't want to acknowledge that life in a big city is about a thousand times harder. I wanted to just skip over the part where my heart sinks when I drop my kids off every morning and then drive 30 minutes to work...not 5 minutes, thirty minutes. And when our older cars begin to revolt against all the commuting- I may have had a few "final straw" moments. But I try and get over it quickly- because there really isn't an available option to give up.

I knew it, I knew what we were doing. I knew enough to savor every minute of sweet little Huntsville- especially the fall colors...especially everything being 5 minutes away. We are home now, and I although I am still exhausted from the transition- my heart feels whole again- and that's the best feeling in the world. That doesn't mean that I don't miss my old life there- because I do. A lot of things never clicked for me there, but one thing sure did, and that was my job at Starbucks. My partners became as close as family, and I miss them so terribly much. I've never laughed so hard in my life than I did in that place- with those people. I probably met the peek of all frustration there as well... but It all went together and created a very fulfilling and important time of my life.

I hate to give Starbucks more credit that it's due because I think it's already a pretty ego-inflated company, but it turns out that life really does happen over coffee. You give somebody something delicious, and you take a little time to connect, and some strange magic happens. I feel so blessed to have met my Starbucks friends- they were a part of a season that was both the sweetest and the hardest time of my life. It isn't a stretch to say that they saved me, not only from the grasp of depression, but from my narrow view of the world. I'll never be the same person again because of them- and that happens to be the best part about my time Huntsville.

I miss the foothills.
I miss little Rosie's.
I miss my friends.
I miss the fall colors.
I miss the cooler weather and lower humidity.
I miss my kid's school.

So there you have it. I miss Alabama.




--
Holly Duke Torres



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone