if theres one thing this team has:

it's paper napkins, and slushies.

While I was planning the baby shower, one of the things I had mentioned to my friend, Rachel, is that I wished I had a "paper napkin drawer." It's just one of those last minute details that's a burden to make an extra trip for. Being the precious one that she is, Rachel started me a supply- and it's kind of grown from there. It's funny how the little things can make you feel better about your life.
I usually get the kids a slush after school. Between the 3 kids, I probably spend $15- $20 a week on drinks. Plus, the added annoyance of a car full of straw wrappers and empty cups.

We are HUGE sonic happy hour fans, HOWEVER, I found out that Kangaroo has a deal that if you buy a reusable cup, you get free refills all summer. I can not pass up a bargain like that, I just can't! Sorry, Sonic.

And the backslidden environmentalist that I am feels better, too.

You would not even believe how many times Abraham has thanked me for his cup. It's always the middle child who makes you feel like a good mom- for very little effort.

God bless all the middle children of the world.

The napkins and cups are reminding me of how amazing it feels to be prepared. If I take this approach to more areas of my life, imagine how happy I'll be.

being born.

Matthew had to write an autobiography at school.

He told me "I wrote that I was born at home, in a baby pool, and my friend said that was impossible, that all babies have to be born at the hospital. I told him that you probably took me to the hospital after I was born."

So I explained to Matthew that his birth was assisted by a very well qualified midwife, and because everything went perfectly, we didn't go to the hospital. He listened attentively as I told him that something like 80% of the world's births are out-of-hopital births, but some babies absolutely need to be born at the hospital. Home birth is a very safe choice when given the appropriate medical care, and the midwife is sure that momma and baby are healthy.

So, then he says "oh, so I was born at home because you didn't want me to get any shots? And I was born in a baby pool because you just really wanted us to have a baby pool?"

Yes, Matthew. That is exactly why I had you at home.

But seriously, while we are on the subject...my home birth was one of the best experiences of my life. All of my children's births were life changing, but having Matthew without intervention was the best mothering decision I've ever made.

It was my mountaintop moment with God.

Trust birth, y'all.

a year in the making.

On this weekend of last year, we were packing up our earthly belongings and moving home.

I'll never forget what it feels like to have 100% of your life on wheels, making a voyage.

Homesteaders, gypsies, pioneers- just a few words that come to mind.

Driving through the night was like a bad acid trip. I was following Carlos, who was driving the truck, and towing the car. I just make myself focus on the word 'BUDGET' plastered across the back of our moving truck. I couldn't have navigated the trip. I pretended that there was a rope binding my van to the truck...I just had to keep straight. 1am, 2am, 4am, 7am, 9am- straight, straight, straight. Mentally, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I'm still so happy to be home.

It's not for any particular reason.

Home is its own reason, and home is its own reward.

for more thoughts on home: click here

labor of love.

more baking!

I hosted a baby shower for my original sister-friend, Kelly.

She and I grew up together, and she is very special to me.

I made 3 kinds of mini cupcakes...

Red Velvet with Cream Cheese Frosting.

Chocolate fudge with peanut butter frosting.

Vanilla cake with buttercream frosting.

We (Rachel, Aiya, and I) also made hand dyed coffee filter pom-poms.

They weren't very photogenic hanging from the ceiling, but they looked great in person. I love them, and I can't quite say goodbye just yet, so I threw them on top of my china cabinet.

I also took the Christmas ribbon off my coffee filter wreath, and added some pom-poms to that. I'm not sure why I love paper decorations so much.

I also made a banner, but I didn't get a picture of it hanging...

almost there.

The first day of classes is getting closer and closer!

I would like the federal government for inventing a little something called the pell grant- without it, none of this would be possible.

I would like to thank all the nice people who have helped me along the way. It's been a little intense, retrieving buried records from 1993. I might as well have been digging up dinosaur bones- that might have been easier. It was all to prove that there was once was a girl named Holly Duke, and she did in fact graduate from high school. And now we can proceed.

At the same time as my classes begin, my boys will be getting out of school for the summer.

I can't even wrap my head around the fact that Abraham will be done with his elementary years.

I mean seriously, what the heck.

My eyes water when I think back to those first days of the school year. Those were really hard days. Everyone always says that kids are resilient, but that's kind of hard to prove. The truth is, kids internalize things, and we don't always know what they are going through. I'm so proud of them- they made excellent grades, and conducted themselves like little gentlemen. Alexandria attended a home school co-op, and did extremely well.

For next year, all 3 have been accepted to one of the best private schools in the city. It's such a blessing that it worked out for us... they know a lot of kids that go there, and I work right next door. I dreamed this for my kids, and now it's happening...and they deserve it.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. - Proverbs 13:12

archived. 4/1/10.

(I actually posted this 2nd to last, but It's hard to change the publish time on old posts to line up correctly. hard for me, at least.)

Every so often, maybe twice a year, a breeze blows through that I could swear came right off the ocean.
It makes me happy, and it makes my heart sink at the same time.


I'm not going to lie.
I want to go home.

last one, I swear. 3/28/10

This concludes our journey throught the un-published archives, for now at least.

So as I mentioned before, spring is here!
Which unfortunately for me brings sinus issues.
Yesterday, every time I moved my eyes- I felt like my head might explode. Not fun.

I hate taking sinus medicine, but last night I couldn't handle it anymore...and I took a pill.
Somehow, I do my best thinking after a headache- right after the pain goes away.
I get this warmth in my chest that makes me feel wistful. endorphins i guess. (well fake ones maybe, I think most drugs block natural endorphins)
As I was attempting to fall asleep, all these thoughts were swirling.
I'm pretty sure I went over everything that happened this week.
I thought of my kids, and the funny things they say.
On Friday, Abraham had told me that "All the girls love to touch his hair, because it's so soft."
That same night, Matt was watching a dvd, and he announced that he was "skipping the previews, because they were wasting his time."
Alexandria is full of great things to say. She's got insight, and a tendency to notice people's quirks. I've got to balance my desire to discuss people's "80's hair" with her, and teach her not to be mean.
Carlos and I had the best belly laugh ever right before bed. The boys have learned to sleep through my loudness- Alexandria always comes running.
It was a pretty interesting scene. Alexandria just wanted to know what had happened, I was trying to tell her, but I couldn't stop laughing.
My sides hurt, and I was crying.
All I could really get across is that It involved Carlos, and a yoga ball.

Oh Gosh-I'm laughing again.

one more... (1/29/10)

the way things have been going make me feel like i'm on a hamster wheel.
like bill murray in groundhog day eat your heart out.
but every now and then I get a feeling that things are changing.
every so often i feel something fresh.
have you ever smelled ocean air?
god- i miss ocean air.
it can eat the paint right off your car and break your heart at the same time.
it comes from the great wide open-
places you could never get to...
and it blows right through you.
in my old life, i used to go to the ocean by myself...and just stare at that tiny line where the sky and sea touch.
you realize that in this great big world, you're just a speck.
i've never felt so small in all my life then when the waves were crashing on my feet.

More archives.

I think this one is from this time last year. I'm so glad I don't work retail management anymore. I remember being constantly overwhelmed. I'm not anymore. Praise!
(And I'm sure the drama had to do with work.)

So, the last few days, I've been reveling in the quiet. After a few weeks of the earth spinning way to fast, I'm just enjoying life being at a slower pace. The kids are out if school for spring break, I have a light week at work- It's just nice. Home-cooked meals and some 90's U2, seem to be just what the doctor ordered. I'm a totally different person when I get to do only what I want to do... aren't we all?

It's a funny thing, being in my mid-thirties, everything changes. Especially in the way of dealing with drama. I'm taking names if you know what I mean. I'm not playing around anymore. I'm okay if people don't like what I have to say, maybe they shouldn't have asked me what I thought in the first place.

Oprah warned me this would happen.

archives.

I ran across this in my large list of unpublished posts.
I thought it was kinda sweet...

I've been working a ton, and just having the general feeling of running behind on everything.
I really hate that feeling.
I never painted this picture in my mind when I dreamed of my life.
I saw it more slow, and glowy.

I always wonder what days my kids will remember. I have random spotty memories of my childhood.
I remember my mom calling me in for dinner, on those hot Georgia nights. I was always outside, picking pecans and whatnot.
Always getting bitten by fire ants.
As I sat down at the table (the same one that's in my kitchen right now) my mom always pulled my hair back, her hands felt so cold on my neck- that was the best feeling in the world.
She didn't even know.

Those are the kind of things I remember.

Until we get there.

Ive been thinking a lot about how difficult it is to raise a melancholy child.
Being a melancholy person myself, I understand why he feels the way he does, but I also see what a drag it is to be so negative.

Although I'm thankful that I come from community of people who would take a bullet before they'd make a negative confession, it always seemed to me that the extremes of positivity undermines reality. In my adult life I've implemented more of a "keeping it real" approach- although I do believe in the power of words.
I'm teaching my son to use restraint in verbalizing negativity but I don't expect him to be some kind of name.it.and.claim.it robot.
I'm constantly teaching him to look for the good,
the happy,
the beautiful.

Maybe one day I can write a best selling book about parenting a melancholy child- I'm going to call it "Raising Eeyore." ©
I guess I'll probably have to pay royalties to Christopher Robin.

Good parenting teaches the child to balance what nature gave them with the laws of nature. Good parenting also has to be custom fit to each child's learning style, love language, and personality type. If parents fall short, their kids feel it for the rest of their lives.

No big deal.

I'm still sorting stuff out and I'm 36. I'm still learning why I react to things the way I do, and what sparks certain feelings. We all need healing in one way or another. Until we get there, there's a lot of insult on injury- and people don't even know. Some issues are a matter of personality and some are circumstance. A lot of it is our own expectations being to high for ourselves and for others.

We will figure it out one day- just in time to share priceless tidbits with our grandchildren. We'll be the quiet champions that have all the answers- but know it best to let them learn for themselves.

Until we get there...

Sigh.

13th grade.

So, I had to swing by campus today to drop off some papers. Can I just say that it's unnerving to walk across of courtyard of students, half my age, and wonder of they can tell that I'm just so nervous about this.

In high school we referred to this place as "the 13th grade" because after graduation all the mediocre students went there and continued to distract each other from learning. We made fun of it knowing that we had no chance to be accepted anywhere else. We didn't care- we were just lighthearted, goofy kids who thought it wasn't cool to be smart.
-Oh ignorance of youth, how you haunt me.

During the summer after my senior year, I called the admissions office to get some information. The man (who sounded an awful lot like Ben Stein) and I had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: I need to know how to apply. I just graduated from highschool.
The man: Did you take the SAT's
Me: No.
The man: Well, you need to come take the college placement test and see if you will take college classes or remedial classes. How were your grades?
Me: Kinda bad. I don't know if I'll get in.
The man: Do you have a pulse?
Me: Yes
The man: You're in. This is community college.

But even with the man's depreciated opinion of community college- I still felt inadequate. My older brother had just gone to an out of state university and flunked out- among other things. I saw the toll it took on my parents. I was determined not to do that to them. I just wanted to work and earn money, and so I did. I got my own apartment and was married 3 years later. Which brings me to today, 18 years later.

Just driving on campus gave me anxiety. I still feel like that distracted, not quite smart enough girl. I try to hush all the self doubt and listen to the next stage of my life calling me. With each insecure step across the campus, I try to envision myself on my best day as nurse. I'm thankful that my determination is finally stronger than my fear of failure.

It's on, 13th grade.
Bring it.