For them.

I'm not going to lie, having 3 kids on summer break, working 30 hours and taking 10 hours of classes a week isn't always easy. It's been somewhat easier than I thought it would be, but the worse part is feeling like my kids are having a boring summer break.

Today, I took them to work with me from 9-11:30, so they wouldn't be home alone all morning.

I rushed to get lunch and drop them off before my 12:30 class.

I gave Alexandria the house keys and watched them walk towards the house, fast food lunch in tow.

I felt so guilty in that moment.

Something I really don't like about our house is that the front door is not visible from the street. I couldn't see if they had gotten in, and I hated myself for not just taking the time to walk them to the door. I hate feeling like I'm putting other things before my kids; It just goes against everything in me.

I called Abraham, and he informed me that they got in, locked the door behind them, and let the dog out back. I told him that I was just checking and to be good. Then, in typical Abraham fashion he said something that made me laugh. He said: "ok, you be good, too, and stay in school." What a funny guy. A funny, sweet, intuitive guy.

So I went to class, rushed, overwhelmed, mommy guilt in tow.

I waited almost 30 minutes for the professor to get there.

sigh.

Our warm up was to write about something that we'd rather be doing than be in class.

I wrote about how I'd rather be out enjoying summer with my kids, but how they seem to know that I'm doing this for them.

for future family vacations.

for car insurance when they're 16.

for senior cap and gowns.

for college.

for wedding cakes.

For them.

graded

I got my first graded paper back today.

I knew it was coming; I had been stewing over it all weekend.

The 3 hour class was almost over when he finally passed them out.

The professor is super methodical and almost ceremonial; which I happen to love.

He spent about 20 minutes reviewing the codes we might find on our graded paper.

Things such as: a circle for an error inside of a sentence, and upside down cross for a run-on, frag for a fragmented sentence. Wrdy was code for wordy, and awk was code for awkward; I think that I am probably both of those things most of the time.

He reminded us of the 20 point grading system where only a 19 & 20 are an A.

My palms were sweating as I envisioned my paper doused with marks and red ink.

I kept telling myself that this is just my first essay, it's a learning experience.

Originally, I thought I had done well, but my confidence was waining, and for the first time his over-explaining was really getting on my nerves. I wanted my paper!

Finally he began to pass them out; mine was probably the 4th one. I looked over the first page; it had no codes. The second page had no codes. The third page, again, no codes. At this point, I was very confused. Finally, on the last page I saw this:

I still cant quite believe it.

I could feel the dread of the guy next to me who got a D; I've been there a time or two. The professor walked around and gave people feedback. I felt as if the room was spinning. I've never gotten a perfect score on something as subjective as an essay. It was surreal.

I worked really, really hard on this paper. It was a very personal topic. I read it so many times that I absolutely hated it. I turned it in because I had to. I got it back and now it makes me proud.

It feels really nice to get a good grade.

the end.

a new title.

I'm thinking about retiring this blog and starting a new one. This one just feels obsolete for where my life is now. I used to be consumed with having (wiggly) small children, and working retail. Now, I have a teenager, a pre-teen, and one who’s still kind of little (but will no longer hold my hand in public.) I'm also a student. God only knows if I’ll even have time to blog; I may post my essays if I feel brave enough.

Coming up with a title is challenging, I don't really have another catchy title. I know I’ll always be earth momma, but what does earth momma do when her babies grow up? Well, I’m going to help other people have babies! After my second week of school, once I demystified the “monster” of higher education, I increased the projection of my future. I’m pretty sure I’ll be a midwife one day. Grandma Stella always told me that my great-grandmother, Delilah, was a lay-midwife. I sure wish I had more information about her.

I’m working towards having a career basically for the sake of necessity, but a part of me will always be that girl hanging cloth diapers on the line, while breastfeeding a baby in a sling. A part of me really only wants to do that for the rest of my life. Alas, I had my glory days, I played, I napped, I nursed, and I pushed the stroller for miles on end. I did the baby thing, and it’s just not something that can last forever- unless you happen to be Mrs. Duggar.

It’s a new day- and I feel up for it.

baby ham.

I don't even have the wherewithal to find/scan/post a baby picture of Abraham, but trust me, from the day he was born he was an absolute explosion of cuteness.

Abraham- age 4

I could have made a million dollars off those dimples.

Abraham- age 11

And he's got a cleft chin, like Bono.

(If my brother was here, he'd point out that both traits are considered birth defects )

Today, he finished Elementary school.

6 years have vanished like a vapor.

Most of his teachers were outstanding and I'm very thankful for that.

He's made A or A/B honor roll, and A conduct for his entire life.

Now he's on to middle school.

I'm so proud, and a little sad that he's growing up so fast.

my double portion.

I'm sitting here, as a storm rolls in, trying to relax before I head off to class for the first time.
I have a pit in my stomach, and a lump in my throat.
A pit, because I'm nervous.
A lump, because I'm overcome with emotion from the events of the day.

At 1:44 a.m., I got the call that I've been waiting for.

Kelly was in labor, baby Ephraim was coming.
Even at that early hour, the timing felt so perfect.

No conflicts with school, or work, or the kids. Just perfect timing.

I don't think its an accident that I attended a birth on the very day I start school (with the intent to become a L&D nurse). I haven't doulaed a birth in 4 years.

I felt that today was a vision of my future- a prize to keep my eyes on.

Baby Ephraim wasn't even born yet and he was already fulfilling his name- a double portion, or blessing.

First, he's a blessing just because he's awesome. and squishy. and perfect.

Second, he's a blessing because he came into the world bringing vision and promise.

Something happened in my heart today at the birth, and it's just one of those things that can only be described as divine. Not only did I get to attend a beautiful birth, which happens to be my favorite thing, I got an impartation.

Ephraim and me, we've got something real special.

And when we had a little moment to talk, it was like he was saying

"Hi, Aunt Holly, today is a big day for both of us."

And he made me feel like I can definitely do it.

And he made me realize that I'm really going to love it.

if theres one thing this team has:

it's paper napkins, and slushies.

While I was planning the baby shower, one of the things I had mentioned to my friend, Rachel, is that I wished I had a "paper napkin drawer." It's just one of those last minute details that's a burden to make an extra trip for. Being the precious one that she is, Rachel started me a supply- and it's kind of grown from there. It's funny how the little things can make you feel better about your life.
I usually get the kids a slush after school. Between the 3 kids, I probably spend $15- $20 a week on drinks. Plus, the added annoyance of a car full of straw wrappers and empty cups.

We are HUGE sonic happy hour fans, HOWEVER, I found out that Kangaroo has a deal that if you buy a reusable cup, you get free refills all summer. I can not pass up a bargain like that, I just can't! Sorry, Sonic.

And the backslidden environmentalist that I am feels better, too.

You would not even believe how many times Abraham has thanked me for his cup. It's always the middle child who makes you feel like a good mom- for very little effort.

God bless all the middle children of the world.

The napkins and cups are reminding me of how amazing it feels to be prepared. If I take this approach to more areas of my life, imagine how happy I'll be.

being born.

Matthew had to write an autobiography at school.

He told me "I wrote that I was born at home, in a baby pool, and my friend said that was impossible, that all babies have to be born at the hospital. I told him that you probably took me to the hospital after I was born."

So I explained to Matthew that his birth was assisted by a very well qualified midwife, and because everything went perfectly, we didn't go to the hospital. He listened attentively as I told him that something like 80% of the world's births are out-of-hopital births, but some babies absolutely need to be born at the hospital. Home birth is a very safe choice when given the appropriate medical care, and the midwife is sure that momma and baby are healthy.

So, then he says "oh, so I was born at home because you didn't want me to get any shots? And I was born in a baby pool because you just really wanted us to have a baby pool?"

Yes, Matthew. That is exactly why I had you at home.

But seriously, while we are on the subject...my home birth was one of the best experiences of my life. All of my children's births were life changing, but having Matthew without intervention was the best mothering decision I've ever made.

It was my mountaintop moment with God.

Trust birth, y'all.

a year in the making.

On this weekend of last year, we were packing up our earthly belongings and moving home.

I'll never forget what it feels like to have 100% of your life on wheels, making a voyage.

Homesteaders, gypsies, pioneers- just a few words that come to mind.

Driving through the night was like a bad acid trip. I was following Carlos, who was driving the truck, and towing the car. I just make myself focus on the word 'BUDGET' plastered across the back of our moving truck. I couldn't have navigated the trip. I pretended that there was a rope binding my van to the truck...I just had to keep straight. 1am, 2am, 4am, 7am, 9am- straight, straight, straight. Mentally, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I'm still so happy to be home.

It's not for any particular reason.

Home is its own reason, and home is its own reward.

for more thoughts on home: click here

labor of love.

more baking!

I hosted a baby shower for my original sister-friend, Kelly.

She and I grew up together, and she is very special to me.

I made 3 kinds of mini cupcakes...

Red Velvet with Cream Cheese Frosting.

Chocolate fudge with peanut butter frosting.

Vanilla cake with buttercream frosting.

We (Rachel, Aiya, and I) also made hand dyed coffee filter pom-poms.

They weren't very photogenic hanging from the ceiling, but they looked great in person. I love them, and I can't quite say goodbye just yet, so I threw them on top of my china cabinet.

I also took the Christmas ribbon off my coffee filter wreath, and added some pom-poms to that. I'm not sure why I love paper decorations so much.

I also made a banner, but I didn't get a picture of it hanging...

almost there.

The first day of classes is getting closer and closer!

I would like the federal government for inventing a little something called the pell grant- without it, none of this would be possible.

I would like to thank all the nice people who have helped me along the way. It's been a little intense, retrieving buried records from 1993. I might as well have been digging up dinosaur bones- that might have been easier. It was all to prove that there was once was a girl named Holly Duke, and she did in fact graduate from high school. And now we can proceed.

At the same time as my classes begin, my boys will be getting out of school for the summer.

I can't even wrap my head around the fact that Abraham will be done with his elementary years.

I mean seriously, what the heck.

My eyes water when I think back to those first days of the school year. Those were really hard days. Everyone always says that kids are resilient, but that's kind of hard to prove. The truth is, kids internalize things, and we don't always know what they are going through. I'm so proud of them- they made excellent grades, and conducted themselves like little gentlemen. Alexandria attended a home school co-op, and did extremely well.

For next year, all 3 have been accepted to one of the best private schools in the city. It's such a blessing that it worked out for us... they know a lot of kids that go there, and I work right next door. I dreamed this for my kids, and now it's happening...and they deserve it.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. - Proverbs 13:12

archived. 4/1/10.

(I actually posted this 2nd to last, but It's hard to change the publish time on old posts to line up correctly. hard for me, at least.)

Every so often, maybe twice a year, a breeze blows through that I could swear came right off the ocean.
It makes me happy, and it makes my heart sink at the same time.


I'm not going to lie.
I want to go home.

last one, I swear. 3/28/10

This concludes our journey throught the un-published archives, for now at least.

So as I mentioned before, spring is here!
Which unfortunately for me brings sinus issues.
Yesterday, every time I moved my eyes- I felt like my head might explode. Not fun.

I hate taking sinus medicine, but last night I couldn't handle it anymore...and I took a pill.
Somehow, I do my best thinking after a headache- right after the pain goes away.
I get this warmth in my chest that makes me feel wistful. endorphins i guess. (well fake ones maybe, I think most drugs block natural endorphins)
As I was attempting to fall asleep, all these thoughts were swirling.
I'm pretty sure I went over everything that happened this week.
I thought of my kids, and the funny things they say.
On Friday, Abraham had told me that "All the girls love to touch his hair, because it's so soft."
That same night, Matt was watching a dvd, and he announced that he was "skipping the previews, because they were wasting his time."
Alexandria is full of great things to say. She's got insight, and a tendency to notice people's quirks. I've got to balance my desire to discuss people's "80's hair" with her, and teach her not to be mean.
Carlos and I had the best belly laugh ever right before bed. The boys have learned to sleep through my loudness- Alexandria always comes running.
It was a pretty interesting scene. Alexandria just wanted to know what had happened, I was trying to tell her, but I couldn't stop laughing.
My sides hurt, and I was crying.
All I could really get across is that It involved Carlos, and a yoga ball.

Oh Gosh-I'm laughing again.