Landslide.

I'm sitting in bed, eating a greek yogurt parfait that Carlos brought home from work- it's on its last leg, but still tastes amazing.

I'm listening to "landslide" by Fleetwood Mac on repeat and it's undoing me.

This week has been awful. I hate this week.

It's weird how now that I'm home I can have a bad week or be sad without feeling depressed.

Everything doesn't feel like insult on injury anymore. It's just feels like the regular kind of insult.

Have you ever really listened to the lyrics of landslide?

I think it might be one of the best songs ever written.

Oh, Mirror in the sky what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Those are some really good questions.

finding my filter.

I used to never pass up the opportunity to speak my mind. I thought what I had to say mattered and everybody needed to know. But now I find myself feeling much more intimidated.

Wait, does self control feel like intimidation? Maybe it's just awareness that some thoughts belong only in my mind.

Those thoughts seriously just came to me; that's why I love writing.

When I find myself wanting or needing to tell somebody something, I find that I will take the time to organize my thoughts, and listen to God leading me on what to say. There's several people in my life that I always think about and pray for, and occasionally I have some insight for them. I don't think you get that for a person unless you really love them. And it's not to be mixed with control; you're literally just the messenger. These relationships have taught me how to be a friend without trying to be a mother. That's a big one for me.

So, I guess what I'm finding is that speaking my mind and speaking from my heart are two different things. I may want to rip somebody a new one, but maybe If I wait until the time is right, I will have something helpful to say.

I always want my words to count for something.

And I really want to be a good friend and/or family member.

Delayed.

I am extremely disappointed about missing fall term.
Im just trying to figure out how to channel all this motivation into something productive until spring term. I don't know how to go back to being a non-student for 4 months.
I have so much riding on getting my degree.
I am no longer amused by being a penny pincher; it's not fun anymore. Ok, it was never fun, but I had some strange tolerance; knowing it wouldn't be forever.
But now, honestly, I feel like it's going to be forever.
I realize that a 4 month delay isn't the end of the word.
I'm just really disappointed.

I feel like I've been put to the test at every turn.
There seems to be two settings for getting things done;
manual or automatic.
I'm definitely stuck on manual.
Everything that was supposed to be taken care of with the click of a magic cyber button (enrollment, records, financial aid) hasn't come through on it's own.
I've lived through real life groundhog days with some guy named Rico at student services, I've been in the storage rooms at the school-board, I've waited hours for five minute appointments. I've done everything I know how to do.
I just wish someone would cut me a break.

Yesterday, I thinking about the scripture "let patience have her perfect work."
I know asking for patience is a huge mistake because it comes through trials. I'm kinda past that stage already.
Knowing that patience already exists in me, I just have to let her do her thing. I just have to surrender.

I'm not there yet. I'm still angry and annoyed.
I'll try to post something uplifting when/if I ever get there.

the bittersweetness of motherhood.

Carlos was folding laundry when he held up a tiny, yellow, faded Curious George shirt. When I saw it, I said something like "oh sweet Lord in heaven." It just brought back so many memories.

I remember Alexandria falling in love with this shirt at Target when she was about 2, and although I've never been a big fan of character t-shirts, I've given in to my children on too many occasions to count. (Like when Matthew wore a shirt depicting every member of the nintendo family on his first day of kindergarten. He just loved it so much.) The boys wore it as a p.j. shirt; it practically touched the ground when they walked, and they wore it until it stopped covering their belly button.

I sat looking at George and felt the loneliness of not having a little one anymore. My heart just kind of hurt for a minute. It's so sad when your kids get all big and grown, but it's happy too.

Little birds gotta fly away.

But the Curious George shirt will be in my sock drawer until I die.

the good news isn't-

My Financial aid hasn't come through for fall A- term.

I have until 8p.m. tomorrow before my classes drop.

I'm very disappointed because I had the PERFECT schedule.

Almost too good, I should have known.

It might still come thru for B or C term.

Shorter term = longer classes.

3 or 4 hour classes are brutal if not impossible when you have kids and a job.

ugh.

Fixing Bonnie.

this goes out to Chris.

If you know me, you know that back to school week is the bane of my existence.

I cannot begin to tell you how expensive and time consuming it is to get all the pencils, pens, rulers, calculators, binders, dividers, markers, crayons, water colors, index cards, hand sanitizer, scissors, sharpies, lunch boxes, backpacks, shoes, socks, clothes, etc.

Just when you think you've gotten everything, there's always one more thing.

And there's always something you can't find.

The first few days seem like we're on a wing and a prayer; even more than my everyday life that also feels like we're on a wing and prayer.

The kids had new schools the last 2 years and that's always rough.

It's just a stressful week; like shopping-at-Walmart-on-Christmas-eve-times-a-hundred.

Abraham had a major growth spurt over the summer,

so very little of what I bought at the used uniform sale still fit.

We went shopping today to fix the problem.

There's exactly one store in town that sells for our school.

Back in the corner, the pants were arranged on floor-to-ceiling shelves with some cryptic labeling system. There were also rows of shelves across the length of the room; perfect for the salespeople to drape themselves over and have personal conversations.

After a few minutes of trying to figure out what sizes were where, I noticed that the two salesgirls had finished their talk. I smiled at one girl as a cue that I needed help and I asked her where the 12's were.

Still draped over the shelf, and with the speed and enthusiasm of a baby sloth, she raised her arm and pointed at the wall of shelves. I was set aback, but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. I leaned into the general area of her point. She said, "see that sign that says 10? Look up."

Yeah, not my favorite, but I'm still kinda going along at this point.

I picked them up and they looked really small. I asked her if they had other cuts because I had seen on the website that they had several available.

This is when things started to really go downhill because she rolled her eyes at me.

I remember looking at her name tag, and seeing BONNIE. I didn't really process the words that came out of her mouth after that.

She said something about pleats, and kinda formed a question while still exuding overall annoyance.

Miss Bonnie knew she was in trouble when she saw me smile and tilt my head to answer whatever halfhearted question she had asked me.

Aiya tells me it's creepy when I smile even though I'm mad.

I'm sure Bonnie agrees.

I said, "you know what, if you don't want to help us I'll find someone else who will."

I was so shocked, but I didn't have the life force in me to even argue.

She started walking towards me and sputtering, "um...no...I."

I simply said "no" and kept looking through the pants.

She was right beside me when she suddenly became helpful and offered another question,

I cut her off by saying, "nope, don't worry about it."

I mean, I shut her down.

I felt her attitude deflating like a punctured balloon spirals to the ground.

I wasn't even mad anymore. My job was done.

I heard her sigh, and I walked away to the dressing rooms;

my family of 4 following closely behind.

I had to walk back over and I kid you not, Bonnie was being the employee of the month.

I'm glad the other patrons had the benefit of the new and awakened Bonnie.

It was my contribution for the day.

I'm seriously the nicest customer a clerk could ask for, but I will not tolerate rudeness.

full circle.

Another school year is underway.

This time of year gave me butterflies for all of my childhood,

and again once Alexandria started Pre-K in 2002.

Today was different.

Today was another homecoming.

This was Alexandria and Abraham's school until we moved.

The halls are literally memory lane.

Time is frozen.

I expect to turn the corner and see them be 4 and 7 again.

They were so sweet and tiny.

I left so much in the dust when we moved.

Not just people and places.

Not just things.

But dreams and hopes.

And a big part of my soul.

For years, I couldn't even think about it without having an emotional reaction.

I think that's called post traumatic stress.

But that's all over now.

I love this school.

It has always been what I've dreamed for my kids, and it was really hard to leave it behind.

I mourned the beloved teachers who comforted when morning goodbyes were too much to bear.

The ones who validated my suspicions that my children are brilliant.

The ones that put on mothers' day breakfasts that were fit for a queen.

The ones who I trusted to make my kids feel just as special as my early teachers made me feel.

There is love in the air at this school, and you don't find that just anywhere.

As I walked over to pick up Matthew, 3 words danced around in my mind.

I might have even been whispering them to myself, but I don't even care.

"Dream come true, dream come true, dream come true," is all I could think or hear.

I was walking in a dream; only it was real.

I am overcome with gratitude.

A.

Just to follow up on the last post, I got an A in my English Composition class!

I drove all the way to campus yesterday with the kids to pick up my test score, but it wasn't ready. I at least got a 38 out of 54. yay!

Alexandria noticed immediately that the campus looked like a mall.

It had been a mall in the 80's and 90's; full of ritzy, overpriced stores that quickly went out of business.

It's like the graveyard of broken retail dreams turned kinda cool campus with awesome Mac computers in the library and its very own subway restaurant.

Speaking of Subway, they have really good cookies.

Anyway, fall term starts in 25 days. I'm taking 3 classes this time.

one down.

Well, I did it. I finished my first college course.

It was a million times easier than I thought it would be, but it was an English class and I do speak English. Nevertheless, it's a milestone.

I got a perfect score on all 5 essays, so I got at least a C as a total grade.

I definitely missed a few on the final exam, but I don't know how many yet.

I can proof and punctuate sentences 'til the cows come home, but memorizing grammar rules is the challenge.

And it always seems like what I study the most is the smallest portion of the test.

I really hate that.

There is something about my reasoning process that is slightly screwed up.

I'm too indecisive and it gets my head all cloudy.

Anyway, I might get an A.

I'm going to be sad if I get a B.

I still have a month of the night class that reminds me of traffic school.

It's a class where we discuss things like studying instead of partying and other forms of effective decision making.

please y'all, I'm 36.

There are some pretty colorful characters in there.

I hate it pretty bad.

A pack of skittles from the vending machine is the only thing that keeps me from jumping out the window!

j/k, that's hyperbole, the fancy word for exaggerating, and not among the forms of effective communication. chapter 7; page 136.

copy cat.

I'm copying a friend by doing a favorite things post. I'm just feeling very blah today and I need to lighten things up. I have no reason to be in a bad mood; I think I just miss free time. I also feel overwhelmed by the annual back-to-school spending marathon/emotional fallout of my kids being another year closer to adulthood. ANYWAY, I feel like making a top 10 list is a good idea.

• Burt's bees lip balm. I'd be lost without it. enough said.
• tea tree oil. mixed with water and a few drops of non-mineral baby oil, it becomes the perfect antiseptic solution for bug bites, scrapes, skin irritations, etc. I also occasionally simmer tea tree oil in water to cleanse the air.
• iced coffee! Oh my gosh. I love iced coffee in the summertime. I brew double strength coffee, (pour over method) to the bottom line of my reusable starbucks cup. Add two teaspoons of turbinado, a splash of half & half, and ice to the top. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. Cafe Do Ponto, a brazilian coffee, is hands down the best.
• my starbucks reusable cup. It is a part of me. I can't let go.
• mini york peppermint patties. heaven on earth. the best way to eat one is in a million tiny bites.
• eye lash curler. I am 36 and I just bought my first eye lash curler. I have used one before, but not in years. All I can say is WOW! It makes a really big difference! I actually have nice lashes. <3
• MacBook. My dad bought me a MacBook when I started college and I love it! It's my first Mac and I'm a fan. I had no idea how much time I'd be spending on my computer doing homework, and It's just made my life so much easier. It's great to read the occasional blog and watch movies.
• Twitter. It's the perfect little social outlet for me. I've detoxed from facebook and feel a thousand times better about my life. I could elaborate, but I'll spare you the details.
• college. I've needed to do it for a long time. I'm 100% sure it was the right decision for me. I love the challenge and having something to really put my heart into.
• Havaianas. I'm a flip-flop girl and that will probably never change. They're my favorite because they're so sturdy; you don't feel like you're walking on a piece of foam. The designs are usually adorable- leave it to the Brazilians to come up with everything.

For them.

I'm not going to lie, having 3 kids on summer break, working 30 hours and taking 10 hours of classes a week isn't always easy. It's been somewhat easier than I thought it would be, but the worse part is feeling like my kids are having a boring summer break.

Today, I took them to work with me from 9-11:30, so they wouldn't be home alone all morning.

I rushed to get lunch and drop them off before my 12:30 class.

I gave Alexandria the house keys and watched them walk towards the house, fast food lunch in tow.

I felt so guilty in that moment.

Something I really don't like about our house is that the front door is not visible from the street. I couldn't see if they had gotten in, and I hated myself for not just taking the time to walk them to the door. I hate feeling like I'm putting other things before my kids; It just goes against everything in me.

I called Abraham, and he informed me that they got in, locked the door behind them, and let the dog out back. I told him that I was just checking and to be good. Then, in typical Abraham fashion he said something that made me laugh. He said: "ok, you be good, too, and stay in school." What a funny guy. A funny, sweet, intuitive guy.

So I went to class, rushed, overwhelmed, mommy guilt in tow.

I waited almost 30 minutes for the professor to get there.

sigh.

Our warm up was to write about something that we'd rather be doing than be in class.

I wrote about how I'd rather be out enjoying summer with my kids, but how they seem to know that I'm doing this for them.

for future family vacations.

for car insurance when they're 16.

for senior cap and gowns.

for college.

for wedding cakes.

For them.

graded

I got my first graded paper back today.

I knew it was coming; I had been stewing over it all weekend.

The 3 hour class was almost over when he finally passed them out.

The professor is super methodical and almost ceremonial; which I happen to love.

He spent about 20 minutes reviewing the codes we might find on our graded paper.

Things such as: a circle for an error inside of a sentence, and upside down cross for a run-on, frag for a fragmented sentence. Wrdy was code for wordy, and awk was code for awkward; I think that I am probably both of those things most of the time.

He reminded us of the 20 point grading system where only a 19 & 20 are an A.

My palms were sweating as I envisioned my paper doused with marks and red ink.

I kept telling myself that this is just my first essay, it's a learning experience.

Originally, I thought I had done well, but my confidence was waining, and for the first time his over-explaining was really getting on my nerves. I wanted my paper!

Finally he began to pass them out; mine was probably the 4th one. I looked over the first page; it had no codes. The second page had no codes. The third page, again, no codes. At this point, I was very confused. Finally, on the last page I saw this:

I still cant quite believe it.

I could feel the dread of the guy next to me who got a D; I've been there a time or two. The professor walked around and gave people feedback. I felt as if the room was spinning. I've never gotten a perfect score on something as subjective as an essay. It was surreal.

I worked really, really hard on this paper. It was a very personal topic. I read it so many times that I absolutely hated it. I turned it in because I had to. I got it back and now it makes me proud.

It feels really nice to get a good grade.

the end.