can the child in my heart rise above?

I realized today that it's the end of November.

That prolly explains why there was a line at the post office and christmas carols on the easy listening radio station.

(By the way, easy listening has suddenly become the cranberries, REM, U2, depeche mode, etc. And Classic Rock is now Pearl Jam, Lenny Kravitz, Red Hot Chili Peppers, etc.)

I've been hoping that November would go slow, so I won't have to turn 37 that soon.

THIRTY-SEVEN.

That just sounds gross.

Y'all, I feel old.

Ok, I'm being a little melodramatic, but I really am kinda bummed.

The truth is, I don't even feel like an adult.

I've never booked a vacation.

I have no money in savings.

I text more than my 14 year old daughter.

I'm a freshman in college.

I still get zits.

I dance in my car (to the easy listening station.)

My dad says I'm a late bloomer just like him; I think he might be right.

So, my question is, does age matter?

I think a wrinkly neck and smile lines makes it seems like it matters, but it doesn't.

It only matters if you're old in your heart, and I'm not.

I'm so, so young.

And it's just getting better.

Except for the wrinkles, but that's what botox is for.

because it's really sad when people die.

A very dear friend of my family died this week.

I haven't seen him in a few years, but his presence was a staple in my childhood.

They were friends like people don't seem to have anymore.

They lived down the street; they came over for dinner for no special reason.

His kids were like my own siblings.

He was the kind of guy that was quiet, but he smiled with his eyes and you instantly felt the warmth of his heart.

He was gentle and kind, and I'll never forget him.

The worse part for me, it's a reminder that parents are mortal.

We are all mortal.

A few times this week my mind has drifted away to losing a family member.

That's a extremely dark place to be, but it's inevitable.

I hate death.

I hate funerals.

As Matthew put so eloquently at age 3,

"It's sad when people get old because some people think it's really sad when people die."

You're right, Matthew.

And I'm definitely one of those people.

"To me, fair friend, you never can be old,

for as you were when first your eye I eyed,

such seems your beauty still."

Shakespeare sonnet 104

hello.

Hello from the whirlwind that is my life.

It's after seven in the evening, but it feels like 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

I love days like this.

Days when you aren't just waiting for it to be bedtime for the kids, days when dinnertime sneaks up and nobody is even hungry.

I feel so proud of myself, and I figured I might better write about it before that changes.

I just feel like I'm balancing everything ok right now, and that makes me happy.

As you might know, I'm taking online classes.

I've set aside 3 wekly allotments of time and that is when I do school.

Last semester, with the novelty and slight paranoia, I felt like it ruled my life.

I spent almost all of my home-time obsessing over essays or discussion questions.

I didn't take any cues when I was losing focus that it might be time for a break.

I would get so strung out with mental exhaustion that I wasn't even being productive.

It wasn't that I had a lot to do, I was just really slow. And obsessive. And consumed.

Now, I give myself the appropriate amount of time to complete my work and that's it.

I guess I'm learning how to work with myself, getting my grove, enforcing limits on myself.

The expression "work smarter not harder" comes to mind.

The kids are doing amazing in school. I am really proud of them.

The have gone into a school that is approximately one year above grade level in all subjects.

Math is really the only challenge for my middle schoolers, but that is getting better with some tutoring.

They really impress me when it comes to social skills and just being nice people.

Something that I think is just as important as being well educated.

Alexandria's 14th birthday.

I just realized I never posted the birthday tribute to Alexandria.

here it is...

8.23.2011

When I woke up Alexandria this morning, I resisted the urge to crawl into bed with her and tell her all about the day she was born. She used to like that when she was little; now the dominate non-morning-person gene has found her. She's a Duke, that's for sure.
My dad used to laugh historically at my morning grouchiness, and antagonize me, but that's another story. She'll embrace the glory of early mornings soon enough. For now, I just let her bask in misery because I can remember how bad it hurts to wake up when you're a teenager.

I digress.

Every birthday she's ever had has been emotional for me. The birth of your first child is epic. I'll never forget those first few hours with her. I just couldn't believe she was mine. Every time I looked at her, my heart skipped a beat. Having a labor that spanned across three days kinda messed with my head. I didn't know where I was or what day it was for about a week. I was in a bubble, sights were blurry, every part of my body hurt, but I didn't care. Somewhere in that fog came a feeling that the world was finally right. I had a baby.

Jump ahead 14 years and I have a little lady.

Birthday dinner with cousin Lauren.

This is what happened when I turned my back for 2 minutes.

She and Lauren will do about anything for a great photo;

yet, I have an irrational fear of mall security.

This one is from the summer visit to my mom & dad's house.

flailing around in the wine section?

great idea, girls!

Bieber fever at its best.

I love this picture (which is the first second of a video) because it captures her real smile. I also love the fact that she doesn't have her 12 year molars yet. It's a perfect analogy to her being 14; so grown up, yet still so incredibly young. Story behind the teeth: she got her baby teeth so late, and apparently has super sonic roots, so all but 2 of them have been pulled. The dentist pulled 8 teeth over a year ago and swore that the adult teeth would come through in a mater of weeks. On numerous occasions I've panicked because I thought maybe we somehow lost track and they were permanent teeth he pulled, can you imagine?

Anyway, next year she can get her learner's permit. Can you imagine?

news!

I'm not going to miss fall term after all!

The money showed up in time for B term.

As you might remember, I mentioned B term classes are LOOOONG!

So, I'm taking 3 online classes.

* human growth and development

* general psychology

* humanities

I chose online for the ease of doing my schoolwork at a convenient time for my schedule- like instead of sleeping at night.

I'm pretty excited about it.

Landslide.

I'm sitting in bed, eating a greek yogurt parfait that Carlos brought home from work- it's on its last leg, but still tastes amazing.

I'm listening to "landslide" by Fleetwood Mac on repeat and it's undoing me.

This week has been awful. I hate this week.

It's weird how now that I'm home I can have a bad week or be sad without feeling depressed.

Everything doesn't feel like insult on injury anymore. It's just feels like the regular kind of insult.

Have you ever really listened to the lyrics of landslide?

I think it might be one of the best songs ever written.

Oh, Mirror in the sky what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Those are some really good questions.

finding my filter.

I used to never pass up the opportunity to speak my mind. I thought what I had to say mattered and everybody needed to know. But now I find myself feeling much more intimidated.

Wait, does self control feel like intimidation? Maybe it's just awareness that some thoughts belong only in my mind.

Those thoughts seriously just came to me; that's why I love writing.

When I find myself wanting or needing to tell somebody something, I find that I will take the time to organize my thoughts, and listen to God leading me on what to say. There's several people in my life that I always think about and pray for, and occasionally I have some insight for them. I don't think you get that for a person unless you really love them. And it's not to be mixed with control; you're literally just the messenger. These relationships have taught me how to be a friend without trying to be a mother. That's a big one for me.

So, I guess what I'm finding is that speaking my mind and speaking from my heart are two different things. I may want to rip somebody a new one, but maybe If I wait until the time is right, I will have something helpful to say.

I always want my words to count for something.

And I really want to be a good friend and/or family member.

Delayed.

I am extremely disappointed about missing fall term.
Im just trying to figure out how to channel all this motivation into something productive until spring term. I don't know how to go back to being a non-student for 4 months.
I have so much riding on getting my degree.
I am no longer amused by being a penny pincher; it's not fun anymore. Ok, it was never fun, but I had some strange tolerance; knowing it wouldn't be forever.
But now, honestly, I feel like it's going to be forever.
I realize that a 4 month delay isn't the end of the word.
I'm just really disappointed.

I feel like I've been put to the test at every turn.
There seems to be two settings for getting things done;
manual or automatic.
I'm definitely stuck on manual.
Everything that was supposed to be taken care of with the click of a magic cyber button (enrollment, records, financial aid) hasn't come through on it's own.
I've lived through real life groundhog days with some guy named Rico at student services, I've been in the storage rooms at the school-board, I've waited hours for five minute appointments. I've done everything I know how to do.
I just wish someone would cut me a break.

Yesterday, I thinking about the scripture "let patience have her perfect work."
I know asking for patience is a huge mistake because it comes through trials. I'm kinda past that stage already.
Knowing that patience already exists in me, I just have to let her do her thing. I just have to surrender.

I'm not there yet. I'm still angry and annoyed.
I'll try to post something uplifting when/if I ever get there.

the bittersweetness of motherhood.

Carlos was folding laundry when he held up a tiny, yellow, faded Curious George shirt. When I saw it, I said something like "oh sweet Lord in heaven." It just brought back so many memories.

I remember Alexandria falling in love with this shirt at Target when she was about 2, and although I've never been a big fan of character t-shirts, I've given in to my children on too many occasions to count. (Like when Matthew wore a shirt depicting every member of the nintendo family on his first day of kindergarten. He just loved it so much.) The boys wore it as a p.j. shirt; it practically touched the ground when they walked, and they wore it until it stopped covering their belly button.

I sat looking at George and felt the loneliness of not having a little one anymore. My heart just kind of hurt for a minute. It's so sad when your kids get all big and grown, but it's happy too.

Little birds gotta fly away.

But the Curious George shirt will be in my sock drawer until I die.

the good news isn't-

My Financial aid hasn't come through for fall A- term.

I have until 8p.m. tomorrow before my classes drop.

I'm very disappointed because I had the PERFECT schedule.

Almost too good, I should have known.

It might still come thru for B or C term.

Shorter term = longer classes.

3 or 4 hour classes are brutal if not impossible when you have kids and a job.

ugh.

Fixing Bonnie.

this goes out to Chris.

If you know me, you know that back to school week is the bane of my existence.

I cannot begin to tell you how expensive and time consuming it is to get all the pencils, pens, rulers, calculators, binders, dividers, markers, crayons, water colors, index cards, hand sanitizer, scissors, sharpies, lunch boxes, backpacks, shoes, socks, clothes, etc.

Just when you think you've gotten everything, there's always one more thing.

And there's always something you can't find.

The first few days seem like we're on a wing and a prayer; even more than my everyday life that also feels like we're on a wing and prayer.

The kids had new schools the last 2 years and that's always rough.

It's just a stressful week; like shopping-at-Walmart-on-Christmas-eve-times-a-hundred.

Abraham had a major growth spurt over the summer,

so very little of what I bought at the used uniform sale still fit.

We went shopping today to fix the problem.

There's exactly one store in town that sells for our school.

Back in the corner, the pants were arranged on floor-to-ceiling shelves with some cryptic labeling system. There were also rows of shelves across the length of the room; perfect for the salespeople to drape themselves over and have personal conversations.

After a few minutes of trying to figure out what sizes were where, I noticed that the two salesgirls had finished their talk. I smiled at one girl as a cue that I needed help and I asked her where the 12's were.

Still draped over the shelf, and with the speed and enthusiasm of a baby sloth, she raised her arm and pointed at the wall of shelves. I was set aback, but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. I leaned into the general area of her point. She said, "see that sign that says 10? Look up."

Yeah, not my favorite, but I'm still kinda going along at this point.

I picked them up and they looked really small. I asked her if they had other cuts because I had seen on the website that they had several available.

This is when things started to really go downhill because she rolled her eyes at me.

I remember looking at her name tag, and seeing BONNIE. I didn't really process the words that came out of her mouth after that.

She said something about pleats, and kinda formed a question while still exuding overall annoyance.

Miss Bonnie knew she was in trouble when she saw me smile and tilt my head to answer whatever halfhearted question she had asked me.

Aiya tells me it's creepy when I smile even though I'm mad.

I'm sure Bonnie agrees.

I said, "you know what, if you don't want to help us I'll find someone else who will."

I was so shocked, but I didn't have the life force in me to even argue.

She started walking towards me and sputtering, "um...no...I."

I simply said "no" and kept looking through the pants.

She was right beside me when she suddenly became helpful and offered another question,

I cut her off by saying, "nope, don't worry about it."

I mean, I shut her down.

I felt her attitude deflating like a punctured balloon spirals to the ground.

I wasn't even mad anymore. My job was done.

I heard her sigh, and I walked away to the dressing rooms;

my family of 4 following closely behind.

I had to walk back over and I kid you not, Bonnie was being the employee of the month.

I'm glad the other patrons had the benefit of the new and awakened Bonnie.

It was my contribution for the day.

I'm seriously the nicest customer a clerk could ask for, but I will not tolerate rudeness.

full circle.

Another school year is underway.

This time of year gave me butterflies for all of my childhood,

and again once Alexandria started Pre-K in 2002.

Today was different.

Today was another homecoming.

This was Alexandria and Abraham's school until we moved.

The halls are literally memory lane.

Time is frozen.

I expect to turn the corner and see them be 4 and 7 again.

They were so sweet and tiny.

I left so much in the dust when we moved.

Not just people and places.

Not just things.

But dreams and hopes.

And a big part of my soul.

For years, I couldn't even think about it without having an emotional reaction.

I think that's called post traumatic stress.

But that's all over now.

I love this school.

It has always been what I've dreamed for my kids, and it was really hard to leave it behind.

I mourned the beloved teachers who comforted when morning goodbyes were too much to bear.

The ones who validated my suspicions that my children are brilliant.

The ones that put on mothers' day breakfasts that were fit for a queen.

The ones who I trusted to make my kids feel just as special as my early teachers made me feel.

There is love in the air at this school, and you don't find that just anywhere.

As I walked over to pick up Matthew, 3 words danced around in my mind.

I might have even been whispering them to myself, but I don't even care.

"Dream come true, dream come true, dream come true," is all I could think or hear.

I was walking in a dream; only it was real.

I am overcome with gratitude.